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View Full Version : Advice: Breaking the news.


Alexia Ikyu
08-23-2003, 07:28 AM
My mom keeps asking me if I'm gay. I mean, I obviously love girls. I don't think I would have all the posters and wall scrolls of scantily clad women around my room if I was gay. Problem is, how the hell do I tell them I like to crossplay? Personally I think they know, but if they do they don't say a thing.

:lost:

So how do I just tell them? I don't want to give my mother a heart attack. She is always barging in screwing with my privacy. <Mom> "So who are you making this skirt for?" <Alex> "A girl in my cosplay group."
That is if you consider my cosplay group consists of Alex and Alexia. :rolleyes: I want them to know I'm fine and dandy, but I hate hiding like this. I think their problem is that they are concerned I'm gay. I won't deny though that I'm attracted to girls in guy's clothing. ;)

Pool Cue Ronin
08-23-2003, 08:10 AM
Well, it's going to hit them hard no matter what, and if you keep hiding it, they'll catch on eventually.
But you may want to wait a few more months before you tell them, like when you actually crossplay.

Gren
08-23-2003, 08:30 AM
I think that first you should talk to her about the whole gay thing. Tell her you're comfortable with your heterosexuality, and that it's somewhat degrading to be constantly accused of being homosexual. Ask her why she suspects that you might be gay. Chances are, it's something ridiculous and stereotypical, like you maintain your appearance or think girley smelling soap is keen. Help her understand that homosexuals do not follow any set rigimine of actions. They're just normal people, who happen to be attracted to their own gender.

A nice big long talk i s needed. Maybe over coffee or some such. Coffee's great for discussion.

Hikaru Tsuki
08-23-2003, 02:35 PM
Reminds me of my situation. X_X

I'm not lesbian, but my mom keeps asking me if I am. She thinks so because I crossplay, don't wear very feminine clothing and watch wrestling (what's lesbian about watching half-naked men trying to pin eachother?! XDDD). I keep telling her I'm very much straight, but she keeps asking. She also absolutely HATES my cosplaying--especially crossplaying. ... Yeah.

Gryphonic_Angel
08-23-2003, 02:59 PM
Well the best idea I have is get a girlfriend and parade her in front of your parents. It really helps dispel the whole gay idea.

seriously though. your going to have to break it to them eventually, so you might as well do it now. If they have to find out on their own it's just going to really make them wonder. If you come out and tell them before they find out it seems less like your trying to make excuses.

As for how to tell them, well that's a hard one as I don't know your relationship with your parents. personally I told my dad and didn't give one wit if he thought I was gay or not but that's not how your relationship seems.

like someone said earlier it's probably some stereotypical thing that makes them wonder. If your willing to try to break that myth by talking about women more. One great thing to do Is ask your dad about girls. It'll be boring and embaressing but if he thinks your looking for advice on how to meet women, obviosly it'll help dispel the gay idea. When you do tell them you crossplay make sure you point out that the whole reason your doing a costume is to make people think your someone your not. All your doing is adding one more trick to the bag.

saddly that's about all the advice I have, and it's probably not even all that great. Most of this has to come from you, as noone else knows your parents and your relationship to them. Good luck tho and remember that your opinion of yourself is the only one that Truly affects you.

Karisu-sama
08-23-2003, 06:33 PM
Gren has some good ideas, and you would know best how to bring up subjects like this with your mom. (And what is WRONG with guys who care about their appearance and hygene?? Straight guys who don't care about that turn me off! >.< ) Getting a girlfriend may be helpful too, although I know that's more easy to talk about than actually do.

I don't know much else, though I wish I could help. If it's not one thing, its another - if not questioning your orientation, they might suspect you of wanting a sex change. (Heck, even the man I've been married to for over half my life - and have 2 children with - gets uncomfortable when I pull off a really good crossplay. Hey, I'm HAPPY with my RL gender, thank you. My costume is just that - A COSTUME! Occasional RP is not real life!!)

(Note: I'm not bashing sex changes. I have friends who've had them, and I think they made the right decision. That, however, would not be my choice for myself.)

Once again, crossdresser != gay. Despite what so much of the uninformed general public may believe.

Mizuno Tenshi
08-23-2003, 07:08 PM
Umm... just... are you attracted to guys who make really pretty girls, out of curiousity?
Also, how do your parents respond to anyone who is gay or when something concerning a transgendered person comes up? If they always respond REALLY badly, not telling them could actually be a better option. Some really religious people may think it's ungodly or something to wear clothes of the opposite sex, so that's something to consider too.
My mom knows I crossdress, and hates it. She keeps trying to feed me guilt crap and blaming herself for something that I don't think is a big deal. But she leaves my stuff alone, at least. She didn't used to, and would take anything I had stashed, but has now calmed down a bit....

Tenshi

Karisu-sama
08-23-2003, 07:38 PM
Tenshi - good point. If the parents have major prejudices, Alex / Alexia might be better off not bringing it up. My own humble opinion (which you probably already know): There is NOTHING WRONG with crossdressing!! Or being in touch with another part of yourself that wants to be expressed differently!!

In a slightly different but related vein, I also think it's silly to restrict clothing styles and such to certain genders. Why CAN'T guys wear skirts? And I've got long hair, but I personally dislike lace & heels etc. and I prefer androgynous styling - you'll never catch ME in a frilly Gothic Lolita outfit.

RHIshida
08-23-2003, 08:51 PM
I agree with trying to see how your parents react to people that are gay or transgendered before you tell them about your crossplay. It'll give you a pretty decent indication of what they are going to say. I'd probably try to avoid telling them unless absolutely neccessary.

...Some really religious people may think it's ungodly or something to wear clothes of the opposite sex, so that's something to consider too...

That's because of the stereotype that all people who like to wear clothes of the opposite sex are gay, and most religions (Usually the ones derived from Catholicism) are totally opposed to homosexuality because of the lies they teach. In actuality, I've never found a passage that says homosexuality is wrong or ungodly. That was a rule that was created by the Catholic Church during its expansionalist days. (Obviously, Homosexuality = less babies, and more babies = more catholics, so homosexuality was declared 'evil' so that people would have lots of babies, which in turn would create more Catholics.)

AnimePhr33k
08-23-2003, 10:23 PM
It is very common to see females dressing as male characters from anime, so what's the problem with men dressing as women characters? Use point logic when speaking to your parent, and it's more likely that they won't freak out. Not that I know, since I don't know your folks... o_O;;

The strange thing is that I'm bi, but my parents have no inkling...they don't even think it weird that I have yet to cosplay as a woman. Then again my folks aren't the brightest stars in the sky...so I don't really expect them to catch on any time soon.

Anyway, back on topic...kinda... It's considered normal for a girl to wear pants and sneakers, yet men cannot put on a skirt and high-heels without being labeled as a 'fairy'. Completely unfair, in my opinion. Maybe males crossplaying is the first step in destroying that stereotype? One can only hope.

Mizuno Tenshi
08-23-2003, 11:01 PM
That's because of the stereotype that all people who like to wear clothes of the opposite sex are gay, and most religions (Usually the ones derived from Catholicism) are totally opposed to homosexuality because of the lies they teach. In actuality, I've never found a passage that says homosexuality is wrong or ungodly. That was a rule that was created by the Catholic Church during its expansionalist days. (Obviously, Homosexuality = less babies, and more babies = more catholics, so homosexuality was declared 'evil' so that people would have lots of babies, which in turn would create more Catholics.)

Actually, JB... there ARE bible verses that say homosexuality is 'unclean', but the thing is that those verses are a part of Mosaic Law. For all Jewish people, homosexuality technically is against their religious beliefs. But Mosaic law applies neither to non-jews, Christians, or Messianic Jews.
And I quote Leviticus 20:13 from the New International Version.
"If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads."
Here's another important Leviticus law, in 19:27
"Do not cut the hair at the sides of your head or clip off the edges of your beard."
*Shrugs*
New Testament ideals are more important, anyhow, if you follow Christianity.

Tenshi

Menchi
08-23-2003, 11:10 PM
as for the bible stuff (sorry if its off topic) i vaguely remember it being somethin if a woman lies with a man who is herhusband an such it was ok. bu ti f she lies with a beast or woman she woud be punished or somethig. the one that i rvaguelremeber about men is scary though if a man lies witha beast they wil be punished by god, as well as a amn with a man.

but back the the topic. i know the feeling of not bein able to say that i do this. when i go to cons i know as a fact family gets nozy an goes through my stuff alot (while i am NOT there). so i had to stash my other costumes away from the house. but the worst part is they would imply that i am gay an crossdress (both not true). an that ppl at cons are "freaks an queers" *sighs*. its like i know i have to either move or somehting then when am totally away from them an out of their control can maybe "try to talk to them about it..." but its like i dont lying to them about the dresses i make an such. but ya the hvng a gf an sitting down an talking it over howerver long it takes to make them understand sounds liek good advice to me ^^

Menchi
08-23-2003, 11:13 PM
as for the bible stuff (sorry if its off topic) i vaguely remember it being somethin if a woman lies with a man who is herhusband an such it was ok. bu ti f she lies with a beast or woman she woud be punished or somethig. the one that i rvaguelremeber about men is scary though if a man lies witha beast they wil be punished by god, as well as a amn with a man.

but back the the topic. i know the feeling of not bein able to say that i do this. when i go to cons i know as a fact family gets nozy an goes through my stuff alot (while i am NOT there). so i had to stash my other costumes away from the house. but the worst part is they would imply that i am gay an crossdress (both not true). an that ppl at cons are "freaks an queers" *sighs*. its like i know i have to either move or somehting then when am totally away from them an out of their control can maybe "try to talk to them about it..." but its like i dont lying to them about the dresses i make an such. but ya the hvng a gf an sitting down an talking it over howerver long it takes to make them understand sounds liek good advice to me ^^

Alexia Ikyu
08-24-2003, 02:11 AM
I've had a girlfriend and we have done a lot of um, stuff. <_< As for hygene, I keep up with that really good anyway. My mother would kill me otherwise! :cool: Pool Cue, I have two completed crossplay costumes, just haven't been to a convention to wear them yet since Otakon 2003 was Kei Kusanagi and a previous costume. My parents are fine on prejudices, I think.

As far as sex changes go, I think those people are ungodly brave. :bigtu: Hmm... maybe I should just get one so that way they technically couldn't have an objection to wearing female clothing... maybe not. :rolleyes:


Blech! I hate coffee. >_< Love Cappuccino however!

allyunion
08-24-2003, 03:59 AM
Speaking from a male's point of view, I have an historical excuse that can perfectly work: All Shakespeare actors back in Shakespeare's day were all guys. Now, that meant that Juliet was a guy. If your parents know about Shakespeare, I think it would be hard to argue against something like that. Hey, if historically, guys dressed as girls to act on a stage AND it was accepted by society, what makes it so different from today?

As for you women out there who want to crossplay, and crossdress... You still can use the Shakespearean argument against your parents: [You could say something along the lines of...]
"If men of that day are permitted to dress AND act as women on a stage, what makes that so different from a woman today wanted to dress in men's clothing? Women were not permitted to act in the theater due to sexual discrimination. To not allow me to crossdress means you are discriminating my right to act and dress as a guy. Besides, many women have dressed as guys to compete in races and sports which were solely thought as “male only sports.” If a Shakespearean actor can dress as a woman, then why can’t I dress up as a guy?"

Hey, I think this is such a good historical argument, it should be included into an FAQ. :) I think using Shakespeare as argument helps you better than using Anime as an argument. Shakespeare is more well known :)

Nine
08-24-2003, 04:48 AM
I would say, try to educate your parents about stereotypes and the whole crossplaying thing, and if they don't want to list, or don't understand, just ignore them. You know who you are right? As longas they aren't doing anything drastic like wanting you out of the house or whatever, then all you really need is your own self gratification. Unfortunately, some parents just like to think their own way, and stick to their own way of thinking regardless of what the facts are.

Merle-kun
08-25-2003, 08:39 PM
As the only person who's met and knows your mom... I'm pretty sure the whole 'get a girlfriend' idea won't work. And Steve Bennett kept asking me the same darn thing every time he'd see me at work... "Are you gay?" 10 times a freaking day, and every answer no... he'd seen my room with the same kinds of posters of girls on my walls and still he insisted that I was gay and just not telling him.

People like that are convinced their suspicions are right. The reason being, those who are in the closet are known to over compensate with typical actions of their born genders. I've seen a number of shows about the subject and one comes to mind where this natural born guy felt he had to do 'manly things' even though he didn't want to, part because that's what he felt he was supposed to do, and part to hide the feelings he had. The way he explained it, he thought he could drive out the feelings if he was 'more of a guy'. But that's not how it works... eventually he figured things out and took the proper actions for himself/herself.

But anyway, in some cases parading someone of the opposite gender around could work, but depending on circumstances and how it's done, you may just make them believe you are trying to over compensate. My advice to those who don't have the moving out option, is to work when your parents/room mates aren't around if possible. You can also do this at night while everyone's asleep or at a friend's house. But if it's something you can't hide or avoid anymore, then you should tell them to stop any assumptions. Hopefully you can just sit your parents down and tell them in a calm manner, but some parents aren't like that. I lucked out and my mom was behind me from day one and even helped me buy girly stuff, still does! ^-^ I love my mom. My dad just sits there and says nothing about it... I can tell he doesn't approve, but won't speak against it... or my mom would clobber him. ^^;;;

Good luck to everyone who has this problem!

Sephiroth-chan
08-27-2003, 08:19 AM
The best way to describe the hesitations of what seems the 'older generations' to the recent ones stepping up to the plate here are the cultures we were raised in. This is an age of technoligy and ultracommunication allowing us to visit and speak with others from different views, countries, and beleifs without the hampering of socoal disquiets.

In other words, since we experience more, the more recent generations are less and less frightened by this mythical mysterious 'evil' of cross dressing sexual prefferences. And thus, many many crossplayers take their garb with comfort and joy while often the parents without out such intercommunication lifestyles tend to be more questioning.

On that topic of Shakespear and Romeo and Juliet...that is a wonderful example, as well as entertainers from all around the world. In Japan, there is the Noh theatre, and not to mention the Balinesian and Thai dancers. In the beautiful Ramayana performance, the dashing handsom Prince that saves the Beautiful princess is more often than not a girl!

My mother raised much of the same questions about my prefferences in outfits. I told her she should be glad! I showed her a picture of Felicia from Dark Stalkers, Mai from the SNK games and Fatal Fury, Naga from Slayers....and pointed out that dressing as Alucard from Castlevania was MUCH more modest.

Funny that she never complained again.

(side note....I love these characters, but I haven't the figure to dress as them. I always give infinite Kudos to those who tackle those costumes!)

engrish
08-27-2003, 06:23 PM
behold my computer programming skillz!

if($crossdress=='yes') {
$orientation='gay';
}
else {
$orientation='straight';
}

The problem is that's how most people think. As for mothers, I've noticed it's almost impossible to hide things from my mom so I gave up on that a long time ago. I'm assuming most mothers are like that also.

It's best to just tell your parents asap and get it off your chest. They'll find out eventually anyways. I informed my family of my "hobby" thru email with a nice attachment pic :bigtu:

I'm not saying that's the best way to break the news but it worked for me.

Agrias
08-27-2003, 08:15 PM
You should put one of those pics on cosplay.com xD I wanna seeee!



It's best to just tell your parents asap and get it off your chest. They'll find out eventually anyways. I informed my family of my "hobby" thru email with a nice attachment pic :bigtu:

Goth Kitty 22
09-02-2003, 10:19 PM
The theater explanation may not work since it doesn't apply to daily life. Some parents may also not approve of the arts.

I think there might also be a flaw in the feminist movement. The ideal revolves around the concept that women can be equal to men, not the other way around. Women asked to be able to act like men because it allowed them to do more. It implies that male traits are superior to feminine ones.

For instance, women fought to wear pants because it offered more mobility and utility. It implies that dresses are inferior and frivolous. No one held protests that men could be equal to women. I also believe that a common male concern is their ability to appear dominating over other men. Such a thing will constantly try to outdo itself even if that is the only purpose.

Being feminine, creative, or expressive isn't associated as a way to gain power. And so it may be deemed as an unworthy cause.

It's hard to change others. You may just have to wait out a few years until you can move into a comfortable environment or meet like-minded friends. At least, that's what I'm doing.

allyunion
09-03-2003, 03:25 AM
Goth Kitty 22:

True that it may not apply to daily life. The end result is getting across these points: it's what you like do to, and it has no reflection on your sexual orientation.

My post was intended as an idea... and if I offended you, I apologize. I was kinda thinking that, if it was accepted historically, why bother to complain about it now?

Eccoglyph
09-03-2003, 11:23 AM
Hmm.. interesting. And I thought my parents were strict! They have more problems with short-skirted outfits, or giant ones (where in the world are you going to store that Pikachu?!?) than when we crossplay. They realize its a hobby, and equate it to Halloween-esque costuming. My sisters and I do everything out in the open, showing them pictures, asking for advice, and download our skits online for them to see. Now, not only are they proud of our performances, they've even asked to watch animes they've heard of - like "Spirited Away". As someone's mother once said as we were rehearsing, "at least they're not doing drugs."

It probably helps that our friends are all into it, as well. But my advice - don't sneak around. Parents are more observant than you'd think - they do see things. And if all they see is your trying to hide women's clothing from them, they'll come up with their worst nightmare scenarios. It'll be difficult to explain, but probably save you and your parents pain and confusion in the future. Good luck.

Goth Kitty 22
09-03-2003, 05:04 PM
Allyunion, your post didn't offend me at all. I just phrase my sentences bluntly sometimes.