Prologue

Longing. I longed for the forests again, the trees, the grass, the birds... I didn’t want to be here, but then again it wasn’t about what I wanted. I pulled the wire tighter, my muscles aching in silent protest to the strain while the body thrashed against me. He was strong, I’d give him that, and I sure as hell gave him a reason to fight, he struggled harder, but it would all be over soon. Longing. I longed for the meadows again, large open fields with tall plants swaying in gentle breezes, the sweet scent of flowers blooming... The baby kept crying behind me and no wonder. The cradle had been knocked over in the initial attack and the child was now trapped underneath it, trapped like an animal inside a box while the familiar was taken out of sight. Panic was only natural, it was instinct. The body grew limp and the man slumped heavily to the wooden floorboards. I loosened the wire from around his throat, collecting it with perfect clarity. This was routine. The home was distant enough from others that the chance of hearing the commotion was nearly impossible. I walked to the window just to be sure, my boots making loud echoes in the large, one room home. I stared past my reflection and into the night. Rolling hills with tiny houses scattered across them, a large, bright moon, stars twinkling brightly- the night was silent and peaceful. That damned child kept screaming. I glanced to the bed where the mother laid and cursed. She was moving. If that damn bitch would have stayed still in the first place I wouldn’t have had to slice open her throat. Apparently, in my haste, I missed the vein I aimed for. Now she was holding a hand desperately to the exposed muscle, trying to stop the blood and it was just pathetic. “You’re going to die.” My voice startled her and I couldn’t tell if it was because she forgot I was there or because I spoke the words with such a perfect calm that my voice alone was disturbing. I walked to her bedside, kicking the overturned cradle and sending it flying across the room. The infant laid there screaming and I thought my ears would bleed. I took in the baby for a moment and then looked back at the female. The mother’s eyes widened. Fear, anger, grief, desperation, regret, acceptance,- I had seen it all on the countless faces but the face of this mother held something new. Protection. She wanted to protect that child on the floor, save it from me. She wanted to rip me open and cut out my heart. I couldn’t blame the mother, I would be ripe with anger if I were in her place. And if I had a heart she could cut out I would be more than inviting. After what I did to her beloved laying blue on the floor over there and what I was about to do to her I would welcome such a punishment.
The sudden presence of shadow hit me hard and I felt my balance waver. I blinked once, then twice and things began to click into place. The room shifted in colors, the brown wooden floors and walls turning a dark gray, the bed becoming muted in dirty whites and dull reds. Something terrible filled my consciousness and I knew exactly what it was and what was going to happen. I gave a sigh of frustration and bitter acceptance.
“You are going to make this difficult for me aren’t you?” I stated with grim realization. I pinched the bridge of my nose between my forefinger and thumb. The child was giving me a headache. The mother must have thought I was addressing her because she shook her head vigorously no as tears streamed down her face, but it wasn’t her I was speaking to. I felt it smile inside my mind and a wave of the sadistic washed over me. I cursed as I tried to resist. If only I had killed the mother first! The baby might have been ignored, but no, I had missed and went for the father and now this was going to be a bigger mess than I had planned. I scooped up the little infant in my arms, cradling it with false affection before turning back to the mother. Thoughts raced through my mind in a quiet and fading way. Someone stop me. Someone stop me from doing this. My hands trembled as the receding pleads ran backwards into my mind. As they distanced themselves the trembling stopped. In their place was something else. Pain. I wanted to hurt someone, I wanted to make it hurt so much the screams would last for centuries.
I kept my eyes on the mother as I knelt down, picking up a piece of shattered wood from the baby’s cradle. It was thick and heavy and I smiled. I was going to take my time with her. The way she struggled desperately to get at me, to reach her baby, it was wonderful. I laid the baby next to the mother and blood from her neck spilled over it’s head. The child cried as the stinging liquid went in it’s eyes and down it’s throat. Mother gurgled in protest. I wanted her to watch, I wanted her to see what I was going to do. I wanted to feel her heart breaking. I raised the piece of wood and without hesitation brought it down on the infant’s skull. The screaming stopped almost instantly.

“I feel .... broken, like a toy with parts missing. I can’t be fixed. I breathe and move and speak, but I am not alive, I am not real. I cannot dance anymore. My legs are splintered. The world is distant. It is a place just out of reach. I walk through it, can smell the air, hear the sounds, see the people, taste the food, but I cannot touch it, I can not feel it, not truly feel it. Numb. This is a dream, a forever dream. It is endless and constant and eternal, waking up over and over to find I still sleep. I am caught, trapped, imprisoned in a nightmare. Let me go. Am I real? Am I even alive? No. What am I? Even monsters are not empty. I have nothing, I have no one, I have no where to go. Lost. I travel in-between the world, in places where neither mortals nor immortals seek to walk. Help me. The place of shadow, a void, a nothingness. A place where the soulless gather, a place of slavery. Full of crying wonders. I am forsaken by gods and demons alike, no one will save me and no one will end me. I am not evil, I am not good, I am chaos and I am death and I am suffering and I am pain and I am alone and I am broken. But I can’t stop, and I don’t want to ever stop.”