...for once....this is neither ranting...nor really quite the usual venting. It's long...and probably makes no sense...I'm not even sure anyone would take the time to read it.
I'm...at a loss for once. A total loss.
There's someone I truly care for...more than words can really describe..but...I'm not quite sure it's the typical definition of love. But...I also know that...no matter how much I care...or they care....that I'm just not ready. Some days I'm not even sure my head is screwed on straight. I'm surrounded by beautiful, wonderful people and I'm very blessed to have them around me.
But...no amount of guiding and coaxing seems to help me.
I'm so...utterly terrified of hurting them. I'm sure it would probably kill me if I ever hurt them in any way. I can barely handle myself. I'm prone to royally screwing everything up at the worst possible time. I really can't allow myself to do that again.
My past is screwing me over. Every time I think it through...all the memories come rushing back and I know it's only causing more damage...because it doesn't even hurt anymore.
To make it worse...my anxiety...has made it next to impossible to actually speak. I'm more comfortable trying to make sense of this in black and white than to actually talk about it like I know I probably need to.
How can I let someone know that I really do care...and that...I'm not trying to make anyone upset...that I just need time...and to find some sort of balance.
I hate to admit it but...I am actually...scared...ashamed...and I really don't know what to do anymore.
~Tea is wisdom, just add water~