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Unread 07-06-2013, 12:39 AM   #4
Suuki
Kyle Broflovski
 
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 775
Pretty good.
There was just a couple things that bothered me..
The first was that I really didn't see the gag in the first one? (just wondering why Sasuke would want Naruto to put on a tampon.. Maybe I just don't get it. I am clueless sometimes.)
Also, I am not sure if people will know that it is a tampon anyway, if you are on a stage performing.
And the second one is that byakugan pretty much only sees Chakra flow/points (not through clothes, but I am sure your sister already knew that.. ) So I am not sure if someone will bother you 'bout that.. But it is for comedy, I guess you can have creative freedom with that.
The last thing was minor, but may or may not be an issue.. But for some reason, Naruto calling Sasuke teme bothers me.. The way it is used here seems kind of out of context to the way the word is actually supposed to be used.. Maybe instead of, "Uhh.. Teme.." say, "Teme~!" It really is just a rude way of referring to someone, not really to be used as a petname like how it is in the script.. My advice is to have Naruto call Sasuke over like.. "Teme~!".. But kind of flustered like, when Sasuke comes over you can have Naruto all confused and bashful then..
Hope I was of some help. (:
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Last edited by Suuki : 07-06-2013 at 12:43 AM.
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