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Unread 09-06-2011, 10:58 AM   #16
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@ RoseHanabira

I completely understand your point. A relationship does break the ice since you know there wouldn't (or shouldn't) be any kind of 'hidden agenda'. I'm sure the whole thing is just harder for women in general since guys are the ones who are supposed to seek out the girl. Lets also face the fact that an attractive female cosplayer is pretty much any nerdy guy's dream come true.. at least physically. I think the big problem there is that guys are often too big on the physical stuff. Personally I'm more intrigued about the girl behind the costume, which other guys would be more interested in getting her out of costume. >_>

I suppose I just find it fustrating because there is nothing you can really say to prove that your compliments are genuine. Either she will believe you or she won't. At this point I'm not even sure if I want to approach anyone at my first con because of the reaction I've gotten here. Like I've said, it's disappointing.

To answer your question: Yes, I would approach a male if I thought his costume was cool and I wanted to compliment him. Although I don't think I'd say the same thing. I would make sure it's directly related to the costume itself. I suppose I get where you were going with this and are now wondering "well why are you saying something different to women?". First, I'm straight, and I mean as straight as possible. I've had gay guys hit on me and it's not pleasant at all. A compliment can be taken out of context and if it is a gay guy I'm complimenting he could hit on me or something and that is definitely not something I want.

I'm sure the same thing applies for a woman and not wanting that kind of attention from a guy when she is at a con. I probably would only say the "You look great" comment to a woman I was attracted to in the first place, but I don't plan on it going anywhere. My goal wouldn't be to date her. I'm just a very direct person and I would want her to know that I like her work, and that she is attractive. I wouldn't directly say it like that and let her figure it out, but I'm also NOT going to make her feel uncomfortable about it. My goal would be to be friends at most. If things take off from there, great, if not, well I made a new friend. Make sense?
 
 
Unread 09-06-2011, 10:59 AM   #17
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I think that another part of the problem is that you are complimenting girls through PM, not on public comments. As soon as someone sends a PM with a compliment about something that generic and vague (rather than a compliment on something specific that wouldn't be appropriate for the public comments, like asking how I did something or wanting to talk about the series), I would wonder why they did it by a private means instead of a public one. It would seem like you have something to hide. Also, that's not a great way to start up a conversation anyway, since "thank you!" would be pretty much all she would likely say back, and if you kept messaging her to strike up a conversation, it would come off as quite strange, like you are really desparate for her attention.


As for the best way to approach a girl, approach her as a person who wants to talk to a person. Maybe compliment her, but do so about her costume and not about her body, or express how you are a big fan of _______, since she might start a conversation about whatever series or character. I tend to be more likely to talk to people if they try to start a conversation ("hey, I don't know your character, but I really like your fishhammer. How did you make it?") rather than just complimenting me, especially if they say something that either is a direct compliment to my body or a thinly veiled one ([when obviously cheking out my legs] "I really like your... skirt." or "You can really pull off that micro mini!").

Also, learn how to read body language. The girl might be to shy to say anything out loud, but if she seems uncomfortable, let her go. And if a girl seems like she doesn't want to talk to you? Don't take it personally, since she might be rushing to go somewhere, really shy, already has a boyfriend, is not interested in men for whatever reason, etc., but still look at how you interacted with her and see if you were coming off as creepy or trying to get in her pants, since even if you don't mean it, guys can often come off that way.

You seem to be blaming the women for not being interested and holding a grudge against them, though. Don't do that. If she's interested, great. If not, oh well, it may or may not have been your fault or hers but that -doesn't matter-. If there's a pattern, though, of girls rejecting you or treating you like a creep, you probably are.

You have said that you really like the characters that the girls are playing, right? Don't make it seem at all like you are treating the girl as the character. She's a human being. It's -really- creepy when people act like you are the character or like they are only talking to you because they have a crush on the character/think the character is hot/whatever. (This also goes for people who are rude to or physically try to harm cosplayers because they don't like the character they are playing, but that's not really relevant to this thread~) You can talk to her about the character, and talk to her about the series, but don't talk to her because you are attracted to her character. From some of your comments here, it seems like you are veering dangerously close to that.

And don't stare from afar or look at her body while talking to her, please. Just don't.


I tend to be defensive in general, since I tend to be quite shy and am often in sexier costumes. I tend to really put my guard up when wearing something sexier, though I've talked to all sorts of cool people in that kind of costume that have struck up conversations about the series or whatever. I have had some creepy experiences, but they really haven't changed how I act, since there really isn't anything I can do about them (while I have had some expereinces that have turned slightly creepy, most were creepy from the start, and my most memorable [a man at least twice my age grabbing my arm and pulling me into a crowd to compliment me in a really creepy tone...while I was dressed in a costume that I can easily look underaged in] were creepy from the start).


I'm not open to finding someone to date through cosplay.

Last edited by Musouka_Ningyou : 09-06-2011 at 11:03 AM.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 11:10 AM   #18
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@ Musouka_Ningyou

Sorry, but I'm not 'that guy' who makes gawking comments on peoples pages/pictures. Sending a PM is more respectful imo, not to mention it actually opens up for conversation if both parties are interested.

Saying that PMs are "for people hiding something" or "desperate for attention" is just plain ignorant. It sounds like you might have insecurities or trust issues. Just because you might have some creepers message you with other intentions doesn't mean every guy would. Please get over yourself.
 
Unread 09-06-2011, 11:13 AM   #19
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Heh, in my case, I'm engaged and asexual (and I knew I was asexual even before I was engaged; just happened to encounter someone awesome who thought I was awesome and would also rather play video games), so I pretty much tend to assume by default that if anyone's approaching me with a compliment, it's meant as no more than a compliment. I mean, *I* know they're not going to get anywhere, so if they think otherwise, that's their mistake.

I'm happy to talk to them (provided they have something interesting to say) - up until they start flirting. But usually I can head that off with a comment about "my girlfriend", especially if it's a guy - and there are plenty of opportunities for that, since the two of us usually have corresponding costumes. So if I'm Celes, I can remark about how my girlfriend was Locke earlier but got tired of wearing a wig, or if I'm Kotetsu I might mention that my contacts are bugging me under the mask, and I sort of envy my girlfriend because she can just wear her glasses as Barnaby. So if a guy's approaching me with the idea of hitting on me, that does a pretty good job of letting him know up front that I'm not going to be receptive, and thus the guys who are actually interested in the character/costume (or just want to look at the eye candy for awhile - I don't mind! It's kind of flattering) are the only ones that stick around.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 11:33 AM   #20
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Noxxion> I think you are reading too much into that.

First of all, if you are gawking at girls, that is part of your problem.

Second, if someone posts a compliment in a comment, that's great! That's what comments are there for! If someone PMs me with a really vague compliment primarily about my looks (which is what it sounds like you were saying), then that can easily make me more defensive because I'd wonder why they are complimenting me personally and privately instead of on my costumes themselves where most people post compliments. I wouldn't automatically assume that there was some ulterior motive, I'd just be a little more cautious. It's more of a red flag than anything.

Also, yay for using quotes totally out of context. I said that if someone messaged me with a simple compliment ("you look cute!"), like you said you had been doing, with nothing else to build a conversation on, and the person kept PMing me even after all I said was a simple "thank you," -that- would seem desparate. I don't see how you could have read my post as saying that all people who PM are hiding something and are desparate for attention, espeically when I gave specific scenarios -based on your own posts-.



As for the trust issues thing and calling me ignorant and to get over myself and all that? I don't see the need to personally insult someone because they were trying to give you honest advice. You don't know me, and you probably never will, so please don't make uncalled for judgments about me like that, thank you very much.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 11:40 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noxxion View Post
@ RoseHanabira

I completely understand your point. A relationship does break the ice since you know there wouldn't (or shouldn't) be any kind of 'hidden agenda'. I'm sure the whole thing is just harder for women in general since guys are the ones who are supposed to seek out the girl. Lets also face the fact that an attractive female cosplayer is pretty much any nerdy guy's dream come true.. at least physically. I think the big problem there is that guys are often too big on the physical stuff. Personally I'm more intrigued about the girl behind the costume, which other guys would be more interested in getting her out of costume. >_>

I suppose I just find it fustrating because there is nothing you can really say to prove that your compliments are genuine. Either she will believe you or she won't. At this point I'm not even sure if I want to approach anyone at my first con because of the reaction I've gotten here. Like I've said, it's disappointing.
I've talked/teased with my fiancÚ plenty about an attractive female in costume (at times I am that for him, haha!), I can completely see how it's a nerd guy's dream come true. I think guys and girls are just wired a bit differently; guys tend to be more physical while girls more emotional. Just the way it is. So of course it leads to some disconnects, especially when trying to give compliments.

Really though, if you're genuine in your compliments, as you said it's in their court with how they respond. Although there are some things to avoid though, which I'll get to in a second, which will likely have a bit of an impact with how they react. Don't get too discouraged.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Noxxion View Post
To answer your question: Yes, I would approach a male if I thought his costume was cool and I wanted to compliment him. Although I don't think I'd say the same thing. I would make sure it's directly related to the costume itself. I suppose I get where you were going with this and are now wondering "well why are you saying something different to women?". First, I'm straight, and I mean as straight as possible. I've had gay guys hit on me and it's not pleasant at all. A compliment can be taken out of context and if it is a gay guy I'm complimenting he could hit on me or something and that is definitely not something I want.
You've stumbled across the point I was trying to make, but I was a bit scatterbrained and wasn't able to fully flesh it out. :P If you went to a cosplaying guy and said "wow, you look great in your costume," it's giving him unwanted physical attention about how he himself looks. I know that a heterosexual/homosexual guy giving a compliment to another heterosexual guy doesn't have the same connotations as a heterosexual guy giving said compliment to a heterosexual girl, but at the end of the day it's still the same thing: unwanted physical attention about the person in the costume rather than the costume itself. And unless you're really lucky, it's always going to be unwanted.

I feel bad because I can't definitively say WHY it's unwanted... just a gut reaction, you know?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noxxion View Post
I'm sure the same thing applies for a woman and not wanting that kind of attention from a guy when she is at a con. I probably would only say the "You look great" comment to a woman I was attracted to in the first place, but I don't plan on it going anywhere. My goal wouldn't be to date her. I'm just a very direct person and I would want her to know that I like her work, and that she is attractive. I wouldn't directly say it like that and let her figure it out, but I'm also NOT going to make her feel uncomfortable about it. My goal would be to be friends at most. If things take off from there, great, if not, well I made a new friend. Make sense?
It's one of those things where heterosexual males and females differ I think. At least, I know my fiancÚ has said in the past that guys will often throw out compliments, not really expecting them to go anywhere, and if they do then that's great. My female mind is trying to understand it... I think we as girls are like, "why would you say anything like that without there being a reason, especially if you're not expecting anything to come from it? There must be another reason!" and then we just automatically assume that they're complimenting because they want some T&A. I get that you're being direct and you're letting her know that she's attractive. Sometimes the directness of it just goes over the girls' heads though. We often don't know what to do with flat-out compliments like that, it just confuses us, we assume there's something else going on and that we're reading in-between the lines when there isn't anything there. And I think that's because when girls want to be catty, they tend to say things between the lines and not be direct. Different ways of communicating.

There are times when the differences between the heterosexual male and female mind truly fascinate me, and the whole giving/receiving of a compliment is one of them. Something that should be simple really isn't at all!

All of that rambling said, I'm not sure what the solution to it is. I think if you find the right person (well, when I found my fiancÚ anyway), all thoughts of what to do or whatever just don't really register; if you click then things go naturally, and it just goes from there.

(Sorry for my novel-long posts!)
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Unread 09-06-2011, 11:42 AM   #22
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-What is the best way for a guy to approach you? (either in/out of costume)
As a normal human would. Strike up a conversation, start with something basic (You are at a convention, so start with that. "What video games do you like?" "What are you cosplaying from? Is that a good anime?" Stuff like that) Here is an example of something like that. It was after Otakon, I was in the train station waiting for the train. I was bored so I opened up a manga voulme I had and begun to read. A guy walks over and looked at what I'm reading, then says "I've never heard of that serise? Is it good?" And we just struck up a conversation. Compliments are great too. Something like "Wow! That is an amazing costume!" is good. Just don't get creepy, ie stay away from something like "That costume makes your boobs look huge!"

Are you more defensive because of past experiences?
Not because of past experiences, but from just how guys approach me. Ok I guess it can be because of past experiences. I have had a guy who came up to me, and just by the way they were acting I knew they were creepers.

Do you actually look for someone to date(or have found someone) while cosplaying?
Conventions are not a dating scene for me. Conventions are a way for me to relax. So no I don't go to conventions just to meet someone. That's not to say that if a guy comes up to me and is flirting, I won't flirt back. Finding a guy is just like an added bonus.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 11:53 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Musouka_Ningyou View Post
Noxxion> I think you are reading too much into that.

First of all, if you are gawking at girls, that is part of your problem.

Second, if someone posts a compliment in a comment, that's great! That's what comments are there for! If someone PMs me with a really vague compliment primarily about my looks (which is what it sounds like you were saying), then that can easily make me more defensive because I'd wonder why they are complimenting me personally and privately instead of on my costumes themselves where most people post compliments. I wouldn't automatically assume that there was some ulterior motive, I'd just be a little more cautious. It's more of a red flag than anything.

Also, yay for using quotes totally out of context. I said that if someone messaged me with a simple compliment ("you look cute!"), like you said you had been doing, with nothing else to build a conversation on, and the person kept PMing me even after all I said was a simple "thank you," -that- would seem desparate. I don't see how you could have read my post as saying that all people who PM are hiding something and are desparate for attention, espeically when I gave specific scenarios -based on your own posts-.



As for the trust issues thing and calling me ignorant and to get over myself and all that? I don't see the need to personally insult someone because they were trying to give you honest advice. You don't know me, and you probably never will, so please don't make uncalled for judgments about me like that, thank you very much.
Clearly you can't read because I've already stated what I do and do NOT do. Good job on butchering that. It shows what little character you have...

You came into this thread with nothing but insults. Those quotes were not used out of context at all, and that is exactly what you meant. Perhaps in your little world that sounded all fine and dandy, but you need to come back to the real world now and then. The second line in that last response shows exactly why you came into this thread. Quite frankly I don't give a shit about your opinion, so you can move along.
 
Unread 09-06-2011, 11:57 AM   #24
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Confidence is key, IMO. Biggest turn off for me is desperations…and women can smell it on you.

I think talking to someone like a “person” before a gender you’re interested in dating is better. Don’t start a conversation with “you’re cute! I love your character” Dont make any comments, at first, about her appearance which might come off as interest in her – and put her on guard.

Just stick with general conversation about her costume, ask for a picture..and maybe be like “I like the design a lot but not sure what series it is from..can you tell me about it?” or something like that. Be smooth in your pursuit. :P
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Unread 09-06-2011, 12:01 PM   #25
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Clearly you can't read because I've already stated what I do and do NOT do. Good job on butchering that. It shows what little character you have...

You came into this thread with nothing but insults. Those quotes were not used out of context at all, and that is exactly what you meant. Perhaps in your little world that sounded all fine and dandy, but you need to come back to the real world now and then. The second line in that last response shows exactly why you came into this thread. Quite frankly I don't give a shit about your opinion, so you can move along.
...what the actual hell. I think you've just guaranteed your romantic doom here.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 12:04 PM   #26
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@ RoseHanabira

Yeah, I felt almost shallow when I stumbled across your point. I try to be very subtle with my interest though. I realize that if the attractiveness is not shared that it will be undesired. It doesn't bother me at all if that is the case, but I definitely wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

I really don't think guys and girls are wired all that differently. I think society has a much larger role to play. Chivalry is nearly non-existant, and it more frowned upon now. Guys still chase after girls though, and that will never change. Because of that alone there will be more tention for a woman because she is the deciding factor. A guy makes up his mind whether he is going to approach a girl and that is it. A girl has much more to do considering she must determine the guys intentions WHILE figuring out if she is attracted to him or not. No one wants to be attracted to a creeper, even if it is just physically. Hence I think there is an initial barrier that each woman creates.

In the end I think I'm going to be a little more selective with my wording in the future. XD
 
Unread 09-06-2011, 12:06 PM   #27
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-___- what the hell, why not

What is the best way for a guy to approach you? (either in/out of costume)
confidence is key. if youre desperate I can tell. and dont be clingy its GROSS.

I dont really get defensive, I like to believe the best in everyone. that and Ive only had one pretty bad experience.

Do you actually look for someone to date(or have found someone) while cosplaying?
No, I don't. nor will I ever.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 12:06 PM   #28
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...what the actual hell. I think you've just guaranteed your romantic doom here.
If you believe that then I feel sorry for you.
 
Unread 09-06-2011, 12:11 PM   #29
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Feel sorry for me all you like, as long as you stay a nice distance away.
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Unread 09-06-2011, 12:12 PM   #30
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The best way to approach anyone is in an honest and friendly manner. I met quite a few people at Dragon*Con this weekend, introduced myself and shook their hand. Complimented their costumes, asked a couple questions about how they made it, etc. I'm pretty sure I was not suspected to be a creeper, just a fellow fan who was friendly and curious about how something was made.

I am not more defensive because of past experiences, but sometimes I can just be a defensive person in general. I HAVE had creepers message me and try to ask me personal questions, or approach me in person and attempt to take pictures up my skirt. That's very off-putting. But someone acting like a normal, functioning member of society, is not.

I don't go to cons looking for dates. I go to see my friends from out of state and have fun doing something I love.
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