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Unread 08-29-2012, 02:14 PM   #3826
kuroki-neko
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so last night my gf and i got into a big fight (keep in mind she lives in another state), or more like she was ranting because of her insecurity and jealosy. she keeps bring up past things over and over again, also she constantly thinks im going to or are cheat(ing) on her or going to leave her or fall for another girl. it seems every girl i knew even before i met my gf is a problem. "oh i was nice to a girl before we met? thats a problem?". and she thinks when i stay at a hotel for a convention i bring girls up there to do the "horizontal monster mash" . no matter what i say to her she keeps thinking the same things even more than the ones before such as i don't care for her or really love her. yea like when she visited me i just took her to see her favorite movie at the theatre and a whole day of shopping because i did not care... but from the last thing she said last night; it got so bad i had to bring my mother in to help me because i just was out of things to say to my gf. the last thing my gf said is she did not want to talk to me because my mother was so mean to her but it had to be done because my gf would just have kept bringing up the same old stories over and over and saying that she does not trust me. i might be single in the next few days and if i am i just don't know what im going to do.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 02:33 PM   #3827
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Hate to sound harsh but.... dump her. No trust means no relationship.
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`'Tis JasonTerror,' I muttered, `bitching at my chamber door -
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Unread 08-29-2012, 02:40 PM   #3828
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Originally Posted by SpazItUp View Post
Hate to sound harsh but.... dump her. No trust means no relationship.
thats what everyone is telling me but i think she is just acting like that because she as been kooped up in her house from when she started taking a break from college. and just sitting around on the comuter all day every day of the week will do that to you. ill just wait this out until it passes.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 02:51 PM   #3829
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Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
thats what everyone is telling me but i think she is just acting like that because she as been kooped up in her house from when she started taking a break from college. and just sitting around on the comuter all day every day of the week will do that to you. ill just wait this out until it passes.
Then why allow yourself to deal with the drama? She's obviously trying to stir up drama for fun and that's all fucked up... you know what... nvm deal with the chick. I promise you that girl don't do this even if they're cooped up, this girl is a drama starter. I don't sit and make my friends lives miserable just because I'm sitting in my house.
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Originally Posted by Lithium Flower View Post
Once upon an evening dreary, while I lurked weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten posts,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a bitching,
As of some one gently pitching, bitching at my chamber door.
`'Tis JasonTerror,' I muttered, `bitching at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
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Unread 08-29-2012, 04:19 PM   #3830
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
thats what everyone is telling me but i think she is just acting like that because she as been kooped up in her house from when she started taking a break from college. and just sitting around on the comuter all day every day of the week will do that to you. ill just wait this out until it passes.
That's not even a remotely good reason for her to continuously accuse you of lying and cheating. If she is this paranoid, then its really time to move on. If she has been doing this for a while, and its only getting worse, then you need to just cut it off before she gets more crazy. If you must, talk to her one more time. Tell her that if she doesn't get it together then its over. Like SpazItUp said, no trust means no relationship. You can't build a healthy relationship on mistrust and paranoia.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 04:25 PM   #3831
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started volunteering this week, and gonna take a few classes at a local community college due to pressure from my parents since i'm struggling to even get a low-end minimum-wage job in retail, fast-food, customer-service
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Unread 08-29-2012, 05:27 PM   #3832
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Fanshawe. I have been in London a ton - never really looked for nerd shops. Guelph doesn't have any either.
Gurl, you've been to nerd shops --- you've been to the internet!

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Stuff.
(Anything said below is only based on the writings and perceived implications)

I think there's faults on both sides, the problem with being rejected is that we usually can't quite dump it all out as soon as one of the parties decides "Nah, it's not gonna work out.". The one who decided this has already resolved everything in their head, while the rejected party now needs to do so (And it's usually a surprise that it happens). Something he obviously wasn't able to do after all, I'd wager the subsequent game was a result of him seeing her 'explore the intimacy of their mutual friends circle', probably while he was still hanging on.

Frankly, what was he thinking? Things are not gonna change with time and she's got the right to be happy too. But I understand all too well the emotions one feels after being given the roundabout. However, that he'd pull that after she changed her mind is totally a low-blow.

But then again, what was she thinking? Call it quits, then start getting in the life of mutual friends thinking he'd take no issue about it? It's clear he has no claim on her, that's obvious, but I feel it's also kind of a lack of respect. I'm assuming any 'current dates' within their friends circles were made obviously clear to him too.

So... I think her refusing him initially was well-deserved, even if she could have done so cleanly, seeing how that turned out. Similarly, she at least got to feel what being turned down in a totally asinine way is. It's not fair, it never is.

In all, relationships are indeed a bloody mess to deal with (Because they're entirely selfish endeavors). I don't think there's any counsel you can give her. The logical thing would only have been hindsight where they both needed to leave each other alone for a while --- which included not poisoning their friends' circles with their behavior. It might have turned better that way.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 05:45 PM   #3833
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tensa Zangetsu View Post
That's not even a remotely good reason for her to continuously accuse you of lying and cheating. If she is this paranoid, then its really time to move on. If she has been doing this for a while, and its only getting worse, then you need to just cut it off before she gets more crazy. If you must, talk to her one more time. Tell her that if she doesn't get it together then its over. Like SpazItUp said, no trust means no relationship. You can't build a healthy relationship on mistrust and paranoia.
im not sure if this is relevent but im her first boyfriend. the thing is when she is acting normal she and i get along fine, but she is has very low self-esteem about how she looks. in thus she thinks that will leave her for another girl that "looks better".
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Unread 08-29-2012, 05:53 PM   #3834
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Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
im not sure if this is relevent but im her first boyfriend. the thing is when she is acting normal she and i get along fine, but she is has very low self-esteem about how she looks. in thus she thinks that will leave her for another girl that "looks better".
You sure about that?

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Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
i might be single in the next few days and if i am i just don't know what im going to do.
It sounds like you'd be affected to.

Distance isn't easy on people in a relation, she understandably feels jealousy over them being there while she's not. Depends if it gets controlling or not --- but you've got some responsability/concessions to make.

It doesn't stop at "Bah, don't worry baby, I'm not doing anything with those women!"
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Unread 08-29-2012, 05:54 PM   #3835
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
im not sure if this is relevent but im her first boyfriend. the thing is when she is acting normal she and i get along fine, but she is has very low self-esteem about how she looks. in thus she thinks that will leave her for another girl that "looks better".
If you don't love yourself you can't possibly love another, your girlfriend is not exempt from this idea.
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Originally Posted by Lithium Flower View Post
Once upon an evening dreary, while I lurked weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten posts,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a bitching,
As of some one gently pitching, bitching at my chamber door.
`'Tis JasonTerror,' I muttered, `bitching at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
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Unread 08-29-2012, 05:56 PM   #3836
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
im not sure if this is relevent but im her first boyfriend. the thing is when she is acting normal she and i get along fine, but she is has very low self-esteem about how she looks. in thus she thinks that will leave her for another girl that "looks better".
All you can do is reassure her that you love her and think she is beautiful. But it does come down to a matter of trust. This is about her, not you. If she can not bring herself to trust you, then there is not much you can do. Only you can decide when/if her insecurity has damaged the relationship beyond repair. I would definitely try to keep your mom out of it as much as possible though. When you reach an impasse, I think it is better to say, "We're getting nowhere. Let's take a break from this discussion and I'll call you tomorrow." Then be sure and call her tomorrow!

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Unread 08-29-2012, 06:00 PM   #3837
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kildread View Post
You sure about that?



It sounds like you'd be affected to.

Distance isn't easy on people in a relation, she understandably feels jealousy over them being there while she's not. Depends if it gets controlling or not --- but you've got some responsability/concessions to make.

It doesn't stop at "Bah, don't worry baby, I'm not doing anything with those women!"
it seems logical but she is 21 the same age as me so it could be that she is not mature enough for a relationship.

the thing is normally im not around anyone other than my mother unles go out somewhere in public. she would not have to worry about other girls because i don't know any in my state; i cut contact with every girl i ever knew when i started dating her.

i know that, the things i say to comfort her about what she is worried about seems to go one ear and out the other . she just keeps bringing the same things up over and over even if we settle the matter.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 06:03 PM   #3838
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Originally Posted by SpazItUp View Post
If you don't love yourself you can't possibly love another, your girlfriend is not exempt from this idea.
thats a good way of putting it, but the thing is she and i have been together for over a year and she was fine when going to college. if she had something to occupy her mind or do during the day thats not on the computer.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 06:04 PM   #3839
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Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
i know that, the things i say to comfort her about what she is worried about seems to go one ear and out the other . she just keeps bringing the same things up over and over even if we settle the matter.
Maybe send her a token, or a letter. Tell her that when she starts feeling insecure to look at it and remember all the things you told her about how you feel.
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Unread 08-29-2012, 06:08 PM   #3840
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Originally Posted by kuroki-neko View Post
i know that, the things i say to comfort her about what she is worried about seems to go one ear and out the other . she just keeps bringing the same things up over and over even if we settle the matter.
That's distance and paranoia acting up, she has no idea other than your words about what you're up to when you aren't in contact with her. The words don't stick and (frankly) they might never will. I don't know what you call "settled", but those issues rarely get settled by a single talk, it tends to take more than that. She has to make the conscious decision to trust you --- even if it means exposing herself to the possibility of what she fears, that you're really just looking elsewhere all this time.

Like The Hag says, only you can decide when it's enough. The thing about relations is that it's dependent on mutual trust and it's really easy to get swept up in what your mind whispers to you. She might need to trust you more and you can help with that by setting time apart for her. Send something *physical* she can keep around, some folks deal with distance better with reminders that you're thinking of them.
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