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Unread 04-02-2010, 11:15 PM   #1
mewkyuu
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Pokemon HG/SS Skit - Need immediate critique please!

Yeah, this will debut next weekend if all goes well. I just wrote it (my third script ever, first skit to be performed), and it needs to be analyzed. ^^ So please, critique away~!

A couple things you should note:

-The time limit for TekkoshoCon is 4 mins
-Lyra is the main girl from HGSS
-I don't really like Pikachu's rant in the end, but tell me if you think it's necessary

Adventures – HeartGold and SoulSilver Style!

Starring...

1.Lyra
2.Pikachu


Lyra: (walks onstage) Would you hurry up, Pikachu?

Pikachu: (walks in slowly, panting) Yeah yeah, YOU try keeping up with your speedy shoes...ya...anorexic little...

Lyra: Woah! Since when can you talk?

Pikachu: Uh, I mean...Pika pi?

Lyra: (stares)

Pikachu: (stares back)

Lyra: Well! I guess we outta go fight Faulkner now!

Pikachu: Wait, how did you even get me as your starter anyway?

Lyra: CHEEEAAAAT CODDDESSSS~! <3

(Sign: ONE -EASY- BATTLE LATER)

Lyra: Yay! We won!

Pikachu: What are you even doing here, anyway? Last time, I swear you had blue hair.

Lyra: Omigod! Look! It's Team Rocket!!!

(Sign: ONE EASY ROCKET BATTLE LATER)

Lyra: Wow, that was totally easy! His new pink hair didn't scare me at all!

Pikachu: Yeah, strange.

Lyra: So! Pikachu! How are you?

Pikachu: I'm fine...

(Lyra starts to walk, Pikachu in tow)

Lyra: So! Pikachu! How are you?!

Pikachu: Didn't I just tell you?

Lyra: I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE!

Pikachu: Well, stop asking me. I'm fine.

Lyra: Okay. Now, to Azalea Town!

(begins to walk, with Pikachu following)

Lyra: Hey! Pikachu! I just wanted to make sure, are you...

Pikachu: Still fine.

Lyra: Okay, good! I just...you look so cute following me!

Pikachu: Please. The last thing I need is another fangirl on my lightning bolt-shaped tail.

Lyra: ...Hey Pikachu?

Pikachu: Yes?

Lyra: Since when can you talk?

Pikachu: (facepalms) Chu Pika?

Lyra: Oh, okay! Well, to the next badge!

Pikachu: Why aren't you catching any other Pokemon, anyway?

Lyra: LET'S GO! (grabs Pikachu and runs)

(walks near a Trainer)

Trainer: HEY! Let's battle! I'm not giving you a choice!

Lyra: Oh no! I hope I'm prepared!

Trainer: GO! Piplup! (throws giant Piplup plush)

Lyra: What...the heck...is THAT thing!?

Trainer: I just told you, a Piplup!

Lyra: Look, I don't have the National Dex yet. And even if I DID, that thing definitely looks like a reject Digimon!

Trainer: Hey! Don't insult him! Go, Piplup! Use your Water Gun!

(nothing happens, obviously)

Lyra: Pikachu! Use your kick attack!

Pikachu: (kicks Piplup offstage)

Lyra: YAY! We win!!

Trainer: (sulks off in defeat)

Lyra: Pikachu, let's go!

Pikachu: You know, I'm kinda tired...can't I get at least a Potion or something...?

Lyra: LET'S GO! :D (drags Pikachu away)

(Sign: SEVEN BADGES LATER)

Lyra: (panting) Woah! I can't BELIEVE we just defeated eight Gym leaders.

Pikachu: ...(panting) It's strange...I still feel like I'm at level 5...

Lyra: (blank stare)

Pikachu: And it's amazing how you managed to get all those badges...in a matter of seconds.

Lyra: …..................

Pikachu: ...those aren't really your badges, are they?

(looks back)

Pikachu: That trainer we just beat...you stole his badges, didn't you?

Lyra: …........................maybe. (grins sheepishly)

Pikachu: Really...I should've gone with the male trainer. Or, you know what? Screw it! I should've never accepted this slave life to these humans! I'd much rather be in the forest, trying to find a nice, but sexy, female Pikachu, to make little Pichu eggs with, but NOOOO, I had to let the motormouth four-eyes catch me in a pretty little ball that somehow holds all the known Pokemon in the universe, and...

Lyra: Woah, Pikachu!

Pikachu: WHAT?!

Lyra: Since when can you talk!?

END
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Unread 04-03-2010, 11:05 PM   #2
Syntax Error
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I don't really like the rant at the end either.
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Unread 04-03-2010, 11:19 PM   #3
Nekomeishi
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It's a good start, but some of the lines are a little awkward, for example, "The last thing I need is another fangirl on my lightning bolt-shaped tail." Shortening it to "The last thing I need is more fangirls" works just as effectively.

^__^ The idea is very cute, but the dialogue needs a little bit of work and the scenes are sort of choppy.

Adding the correct music in the background would help a lot, because Pokemon has lots of iconic music that will get the audience involved. And make sure that your signs are big enough to be seen by the people who are in the last rows of the audience.

You shouldn't rush a skit, because the more you edit it the better it gets!
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Unread 04-04-2010, 04:52 AM   #4
TrinityMonkey
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hmmm, i can understand why you rushed the skit a bit
but you shouldnt have to cram so much
rather, you should just have one simple scene and thorougly write it out
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Unread 04-04-2010, 08:20 PM   #5
kittycoraline
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It seems like there's too much going on, but it's definitely got good points. I love the line "What are you even doing here, anyway? Last time, I swear you had blue hair."

I also love the bit about Piplup looking like a reject digimon, and the team rocket thing. Maybe you could just have those two things going on? Or maybe the Team Rocket member has a Piplup. (Okay, weird idea, sorry.)
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Unread 04-05-2010, 07:39 AM   #6
rosario
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I enjoy it, but as others said, some touch ups here and there are needed. I think the end is a great way to some it up, but thats just me xD
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Unread 04-14-2010, 12:47 PM   #7
Trainer_Austin
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I revised and edited it for you. Take it or leave it, these are just my suggestions:

Lyra: (walks on-stage) Come on, Pikachu!

Pikachu: (walks in, panting) Yeah yeah, YOU try keeping up with your speedy shoes...

Lyra: Woah! Since when can you talk?

Pikachu: Uh... Pika pi?

Lyra: (examines mouth)

Pikachu: (bites at fingers)

Lyra: Well! I guess we should go challenge the gym leader now!

Pikachu: Wait, how did you even get me as your starter anyway?

Lyra: the internet!

(Sign: ONE -EASY- BATTLE LATER)

Lyra: Yay! We won!

Pikachu: What are you even doing here, anyway? Last time, I swear you had blue hair.

Lyra: Omigod! Look! It's Team Rocket!!!

(Sign: ONE EASY ROCKET BATTLE LATER)

Lyra: Wow, that was totally easy! Their new pink hair doesn't scare me at all!

Pikachu: (exhausted from battle) You're tellin me...

Lyra: So! Pikachu! How are you?

Pikachu: ... I'm fine

(Lyra starts to walk, Pikachu in tow)

Lyra: So! Pikachu! How are you?!

Pikachu: Did I not just tell you?

Lyra: I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE!

Pikachu: Well, stop asking me. I'm fine.

Lyra: Okay. Now, to Azalea Town!

(begins to walk, with Pikachu following)

Lyra: Hey! Pikachu! I just wanted to make sure, are you...

Pikachu: Still fine.

Lyra: Okay, good! I just...you look so cute following me!

Pikachu: Please. The last thing I need is another fangirl on my (bolt-shaped) tail.

Lyra: ...Hey Pikachu?

Pikachu: Yes?

Lyra: Since when can you talk?

Pikachu: (facepalm)

Lyra: Oh, okay! Well, to the next gym!

Pikachu: Why aren't you catching any other Pokemon, anyway?

Lyra: LET'S GO! (grabs Pikachu and runs)

(walks near a Trainer)

Trainer: HEY! Let's battle! I'm not giving you a choice!

Lyra: Oh no! I hope I'm prepared!

Trainer: GO! Piplup! (throws giant Piplup plush)

Lyra: What...IS that!?

Trainer: I just told you, a Piplup!

Lyra: Look, I don't have the National Pokedex yet. And even if I DID, that thing definitely looks like a reject Digimon!

Trainer: Hey! Don't insult him! Go, Piplup! Use your Water Gun!

(nothing happens, obviously)

Lyra: Pikachu! Use your tackle attack!

Pikachu: (kicks Piplup offstage)

Lyra: YAY! We win!!

Trainer: (sulks off in defeat)

Lyra: Pikachu, let's go!

Pikachu: You know, I'm kinda tired...can I at least get a Potion or something...?

Lyra: LET'S GO! (drags Pikachu away)

(Sign: SEVEN BADGES LATER)

Lyra: (panting) Woah! I can't BELIEVE we just defeated eight Gym leaders.

Pikachu: ...(panting) It's strange...I still feel like I'm at level 5...

Lyra: (blank stare)

Pikachu: And it's amazing how you managed to get all those badges...in a matter of seconds.

Lyra: …..................

Pikachu: ...those aren't really your badges, are they?

(looks back)

Pikachu: That trainer we just beat...you stole his badges, didn't you?

Lyra: …........................maybe. (grins sheepishly)

Pikachu: Really...I should've gone with Ethan. Or, you know what? I should've never accepted this slave life to these humans! I'd much rather be in the forest, trying to find a nice, female Pikachu, to settle down with. But, no, I ended up getting stuck here with you and your stolen gym badges.

Lyra: Woah, Pikachu!

Pikachu: WHAT?!

Lyra: Since when can you talk!?
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