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Unread 09-01-2016, 12:34 AM   #1
neozero
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Are any of you guys just lonely?

Hey,

I kind of want to vent if thats ok. I see a lot of cosplayers talking about depression and mental health on fb and tumblr (I don't go on tumblr but some things from it bubble to facebook). So maybe you guys can understand. I feel like geeks and cosplayers are my people too as well, so I wanna talk to you.

My life isn't bad. I have a really good job. Low rent. I do lots of things. Have a bunch of friends (or at least people I hang out with). I go to a shit ton of cons. Also party a ton (just to meet people I don't drink). And and pretty social.

And I still get lonely. Like really lonely. Like cry myself to sleep lonely. Now I know what your going to say. Now people have said this isn't normal or something and I need help and I need therapy, but I wonder if it really isn't. Like my lonliness and sadness isn't chronic. It feels justified.

I have a lot of 'friends' but almost no close friends. No one I'll spend hours talking with. Or who really has my back. My cell phone never rings. I don't get personal mails or emails or even fb messages unless I reach out to people. I don't really schedule things with people that much. Worse is that no one just seems to love me. Man what I wouldn't give for someone to really get to know me and encourage me, but there is no one out there and that can be tough.

Lets not begin with my just terrible dating life. Like its weird. I have probably made out with / hooked up a lot of girls this year. But, when thinking about dating, I just get really sad. What gets me is how no girl seems to actually want to be with me. And I've been rejected by so many. I know this is biased against the girls I like (which tbh isn't that many) but what I wouldn't give to just have someone. I recently almost though I'd have this amazing gf but I dumped her because of distance (but it felt like she dumped me since she stopped replying to my texts). And have been suuuuuppeeerrrrr sad ever since.

But yeah. I know its weird. And I know I have a lot and I shouldn't complain. Like I have a lot but I also don't and I'm not happy. And I wish I had someone. And I'm wondering if I'm the only one out there like this. And if there is, what should I do? Funny I say this right before I'm going to dragoncon.

Last edited by neozero : 09-21-2016 at 10:42 AM.
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Unread 09-01-2016, 12:35 AM   #2
neozero
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On a side note. All my pics are suuuuper old.

My instagram is more representative of who I am currently

https://www.instagram.com/reikashinn/
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Unread 09-01-2016, 07:36 AM   #3
Otaku Gunso
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Iif you have no "friends" that have your back then you have no friends period ... These people you speak out sound like mere acquaintances and nothing more. Surely you wouldn't feel so lonely out there if you have so many "friends" that you speak of.
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Unread 09-01-2016, 08:25 AM   #4
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Consider how often you call, message, or schedule things with other people. Not often? Try. It would be great if people were already doing these things for you, but they ARE extra effort and it's very easy not to. Reach out. Do that extra bit to become more of a presence in other people's lives and I think you'll feel a difference.
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Unread 09-01-2016, 09:51 AM   #5
belligerent
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Do that extra bit to become more of a presence in other people's lives and I think you'll feel a difference.
In theory this should work, but I know in my own experience, I'm the one reaching out 94% of the time and it gets misinterpreted as "being too forward" or retconned as other things. These days everybody is cool with being in their own little shy introvert bubble and if you ever inconvenience them or make them feel bad about their own lack of communication, suddenly you're being aggressive or clingy.

OP, if you haven't been to one, I would consider seeing a therapist. They might be able to help you with some of the loneliness you feel and give you ways to cope with it. I've had some rough spots over the last year similar to what you describe, and talking to a professional makes it better for me, personally.

The cons/cosplay community has some great people in it, but a large number of them are very socially awkward. You might not enjoy everything non-nerds do, but it might help to have some people who aren't in that scene. See if you can branch out into other semi-related communities. For instance, have you always been curious about (thing)? Join a forum for that thing and ask questions. Be interested. Listen more than you talk. People like to feel like someone thinks they're interesting. You could be the most interesting person in the world, but if you don't make other people feel like you think they are just as interesting, they're not going to want to know you.

I know a problem I have is that I always want to contribute to conversations but because I'm a loner, I don't have stories about other people or things I do to be interesting, I just have stuff about myself to share. Don't do this. From experience, it comes across as you only caring about yourself, even if that's not true at all. If you find you only have you to talk about, do some listening, or ask the other person about themselves and then listen to what they say, don't just wait for them to be done talking so you can talk. It can be hard when you're more outgoing than the other person to let them lead the conversation, but usually people have things they're passionate about that they will talk about a lot to anyone if given a chance.

One caveat: you have to be sincere in wanting to know more about other people. You can't just be doing this as a tactic to get people to like you, otherwise it is kind of manipulative and if somebody sees through it, or even if you are sincere and somebody misinterprets it, it will go wrong. Be genuine and like people genuinely, and try to interact with similar people who appreciate that.

I'll be at dragoncon if i can get my ass packed and out of the house.... I do drink and plan on being drunk most of the con, but if we run into each other and you want to talk more about this or whatever, send me a message. i check here periodically.
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Last edited by belligerent : 09-01-2016 at 09:57 AM.
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Unread 09-01-2016, 01:27 PM   #6
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They say that social media could be more detrimental to traditional friendship. In a lot of ways I agree. But then looking at my own life and friends everybody has things going on and their own battles. My best friend has recently had her second child so is extremely busy, my boyfriend is a shift worker in a busy job and is frequently tired to the point he was tired at the end of a holiday, other friends live far from me, have mental or physical illnesses to battle or just life. It is tough to keep in touch. It can be lonely but they all have friends and lives and I'm a part of it to a lesser or greater degree. I accept that as I'd not like that and I like my space, my boyfriend by him being pretty independent and not being able to see me very often has been a good teacher in what space is in a relationship.

Friendship takes effort to maintain and belligerent has said some good pointers. I agree on therapy as loneliness can be isolating and to endure that could lead to other things.
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Unread 09-07-2016, 12:08 PM   #7
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Note that despite OP saying he was lonely and me essentially saying, hey if you want to hang out at this thing we'll both be at, hmu, he didn't actually message me. I wasn't expecting him to, though, so here's my additional advice:

If you tell people you're lonely and they reach out to you, if you weren't lonely enough to take the hand, you're not really lonely. You just don't like the options you have. This is why you don't connect with people. You probably have people in your life right now who would be your friend if that's what you actually wanted, but they don't suit your needs or wants in some way so they don't "count."

Be honest with yourself about what you want. If it's to project a "deeply troubled loner who could be whole again if only he could find someone" aura to hook up with chicks who will feel sorry for you, people will see right through that shit. If it's not that and it really is something wrong, my advice is still to see a therapist.
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Unread 09-08-2016, 07:47 AM   #8
Otaku Gunso
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Meh, you just need some good anime and good video games in your life OP. Surely if I didn't have those things THEN I would be lonely
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Unread 09-19-2016, 08:24 PM   #9
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It sounds like you have the same problem as me. We crave intimacy (not necessarily sexual). Like for me I need to be close to people and really open up and share my experiences with people to truly be happy. Honestly a lot of people are bad when it comes to planning and getting together. I've found its easier if you try to schedule things and just invite people or to find someone who already does that and see if you fit in with their friends too. Honestly its really about finding people you "click" with and can really be yourself around. If you can be completely comfortable around someone and don't have to worry if they like you if you're annoying them then you've found the right person.
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Unread 09-21-2016, 10:39 AM   #10
neozero
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Quote:
Originally Posted by belligerent View Post
Note that despite OP saying he was lonely and me essentially saying, hey if you want to hang out at this thing we'll both be at, hmu, he didn't actually message me. I wasn't expecting him to, though, so here's my additional advice:

If you tell people you're lonely and they reach out to you, if you weren't lonely enough to take the hand, you're not really lonely. You just don't like the options you have. This is why you don't connect with people. You probably have people in your life right now who would be your friend if that's what you actually wanted, but they don't suit your needs or wants in some way so they don't "count."

Be honest with yourself about what you want. If it's to project a "deeply troubled loner who could be whole again if only he could find someone" aura to hook up with chicks who will feel sorry for you, people will see right through that shit. If it's not that and it really is something wrong, my advice is still to see a therapist.
Yeah I probably should. I think when I wrote that I was super depressed. I sort of explained this. I'm incredibly social and hook up with chicks all the time. Its just like fleeting you know? I even have a bunch of people I talk to but it never feels like enough. I don't think I feel this way because of a lack of people but a lack of quality people, and that can take time and trust.

I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but I didn't check this thread that much. And dragon con was really really busy for me. I hung out with many people and it was hard enough tracking them down. I also met many more and hooked up with a bunch of girls (like whollyshit). You know what. Even after all of that. I still felt down and lonely afterward. So yeah. Its just a feeling. It happens. I don't think any one person would solve it. And I don't think it is even something bad or I wanted to change. Anyway.

Quote:
It sounds like you have the same problem as me. We crave intimacy (not necessarily sexual). Like for me I need to be close to people and really open up and share my experiences with people to truly be happy. Honestly a lot of people are bad when it comes to planning and getting together. I've found its easier if you try to schedule things and just invite people or to find someone who already does that and see if you fit in with their friends too. Honestly its really about finding people you "click" with and can really be yourself around. If you can be completely comfortable around someone and don't have to worry if they like you if you're annoying them then you've found the right person.
Yeah I totally agree with you. I actually think I crave sexual intimacy more than most people but it sucks since it is perhaps the hardest thing to get. And I think trying to be more proactive about things would help.
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Last edited by neozero : 09-21-2016 at 10:54 AM.
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Unread 09-21-2016, 10:40 AM   #11
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I am smart
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Unread 10-24-2016, 05:09 PM   #12
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I agree with allot of what belligerent said. Over the last few years I have really discovered who i am. Not a geek, as i had thought before i "leveled up". Now I guess you could say i'm mostly extroverted.So that makes socializing with people in the geeky community delicate work. You can't really be outgoing or this really bold person..per say. You really just have to keep that in mind with socializing with new people in the community


For the most part with the community, it really depends on where you are. Sometimes the one in your area is really great and is really enjoyable to be a part of. Other times it's not; hopefully for those people will find one that is good if they ever move to a new place.

I second what belligerent said; I mostly keep to myself. so I do try to add to a conversation when I can, (mostly with friends of friends or people i know) So it's difficult at times to really get other people to socialize with you when you don't have many stories to seem interesting. It makes it seem like you have to put way more effort forward than you would get in return.

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Unread 10-24-2016, 06:46 PM   #13
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Fwiw , when I made this post , I was in a way different situation. Since then I decided to make confidence, well being, and self improvemet a daily activity. And that has worked wonders.

Anyway gweks are shy. But I think a lotof them are lonely too and want to habe someone to listen. Latwly Ibe bewn.focusing on that
That and common interests.

With that said , actually maintaining friendships does require a lot of work. And Im devkting a lotkf energy to.carreer improvement so i suppose tje lonliness.ia.something ill accept
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Unread 10-24-2016, 07:21 PM   #14
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It's hard to maintain a friendship with someone who basically is the opposite of themselves. In the sense they don't like it when someone has higher self esteem than them. I mean you only can do so much socially, it's up to the other person to do their side of that relationship. Basically it's a matter of them wanting a new friendship, over them pushing you away.

Some geeks just form a clique with a few friends and other people they know. That makes it hard to get to know them. There's not many people you meet who don't have ties to one.
Otherwise they seem content among that group of people.
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Unread 10-24-2016, 07:49 PM   #15
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We must have different experiences. I actually find it quite easy to socialize with geeks since we have a lot of common interests. Long lasting friendships are a different thing entirely but those are hard in general.

The cliquey thing is a thing but Im starting to think that that is more of a perceived issue than anything. Like when I was worried about peoplw being cliquey thry were.when i stopped giving a fuck, it was less of an issue.i think it was a self fulfilling prophecy.
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