Thank you everyone
Sincerely. It really means a lot to have your support.
I hate so much that I hold myself up to these horrific standards, that I absolutely do not impose on anyone else. I genuinely do not see 'fat'
in other people. It's not something that I really think about when it comes to others, I just see 'oh pretty'
and how big or small the person is it's just like..not even a real thought. It's just a person I think is lovely. But with myself I just see.. monstrous. When it comes to the point when I can't bring myself to look in the mirror I know somethings wrong; but it feels so incredibly difficult to apply the same sense of self and love to myself that I give to other people.
I wish I could verbalize why I feel so hard on myself, but I can't find the words. Maybe it really is weighed (no pun intended, though I wish it was because I funny like that) in how I was raised. Not to have a sense of self-esteem, but to be praised by how I look. When I was skinny and younger my mother and grandmother would comment "You have such long skinny legs, you're going to do well in life"
, I wasn't going to do 'well' in life because of my achievements or talents, I was going to do well because I was skinny
. When I was a chubby high-schooler I wasn't ever told how well I was going to do anymore. I didn't hear that I had long-skinny legs and my life would be full of success and wealth. I heard "you're too fat to wear that"
. Then when I lost the weight as I got in my later teens and early (earlier anyway) 20's I would hear "you look like you lost some weight today"
or "your face is looking kind of fat, have you gained weight?"
and told that my perfect weight to go for would be 100 - 115lbs and because of this I was around 25lbs 'overweight' at my 125-30lb frame.
The only time I was ever told how well I was doing, or how great my life would be, or that I am so talented and special was if I was thin and pretty...
and now I feel like a failure in every possible way I could ever fail. Being a good person. Being a good artist. Being 'pretty', whatever that means. Being Emily. I just fail at it all, and it's because I went and got fat all over again.
I wish I didn't feel like I owed the world being pretty.
In slightly less horribly depressing news, a young kid on dA
added me to their dA watch and they have a whole table of nothing but pictures of 'stamps' (the dA style that is), which included such gems as 'I have a black belt in masturbation', 'parents just don't understand', and 'The USA is vastly overrated'.
Their profile has so much random gifs and stuff thrown on it, it's almost frozen my browser each time I go there.