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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:09 PM   #1
Lidaea
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Relationship advice?

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year, but in the past 2 months, we've had a lot of feuds. Most of these feuds involve the fact that he disapproves of me gaming and cosplaying. I've gamed my whole life, and cosplaying is a great passion of mine. He's trying to change both habits of mine and I hate it, hence the arguing. Is it even worth it to stay in a relationship where someone doesn't appreciate your nerd side?
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:20 PM   #2
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No, it's not. If they're not happy with you as YOU, you're not going to be happy together in the long term.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:23 PM   #3
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If he won't accept something so important to you, then he isn't worth keeping around.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:34 PM   #4
Suntory_Times
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Maybe talk with him about why you like it and why he doesn't like it. That's what I would recommend.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:46 PM   #5
Lidaea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Suntory_Times View Post
Maybe talk with him about why you like it and why he doesn't like it. That's what I would recommend.
I tried talking to him about it, but all he said was "you could be spending time with me".. He works 12 hours a day, from 11 to 11, so when he gets days off he expects me to spend every waking moment with him. I've told him time and time again that's not humanly possible, but he won't listen. So, anytime I devote my time to gaming or cosplaying, even if we're doing it together, it bothers him..
I don't know.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:49 PM   #6
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From one complete stranger that has no perspective whatsoever on the dynamics of your relationship with this guy? No, man. And I say this because I personally wouldn't want to be associated with someone who was actively trying to stop me from participating in two totally harmless activities on the grounds that they see it as a blemish on their ideal partner.

I mean, if you were habitually huffing industrial solvents and financially dependent on the money you're stealing from your grandpa's social security checks instead of gaming and cosplaying when you came to this forum asking if your boyfriend's qualms were legitimate, I'd tell you that he was probably in the right here. And again, I don't have any real scope regarding why he's taking issue with your interests; maybe you're investing hundreds of dollars on cosplays at great expense to your quality of living and spending days at a time in front of a screen.
But if you're not, and you're arguing over something as menial as a couple hobbies enough to make you question whether your relationship is worth it, in my anonymous, not-a-professional-couples-counselor internet opinion, it probably isn't. It's up to you to make that ultimate call, though. You've got to determine whether your interests being a hot seat for disagreement is worth enduring for the success of this relationship, and it can be a hard decision.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 09:57 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lidaea View Post
I tried talking to him about it, but all he said was "you could be spending time with me".. He works 12 hours a day, from 11 to 11, so when he gets days off he expects me to spend every waking moment with him. I've told him time and time again that's not humanly possible, but he won't listen. So, anytime I devote my time to gaming or cosplaying, even if we're doing it together, it bothers him..
I don't know.
From what I see, that's a completely different, equally off-putting issue.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 10:06 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lidaea View Post
Is it even worth it to stay in a relationship where someone doesn't appreciate your nerd side?
No.

You have your own likes or dislikes, just like he does.

He doesn't *need* to appreciate your nerd side, he just needs to accept you like that stuff.

If he wants something to mold in his own idea of a relationship partner --- he can get clay.

EDIT: On availability, you both could plan outings in advance. I mean, it's surely not like he knows he's going to be off the very morning of that specific day so you need to drop all your plans for him.

Last edited by Kildread : 05-05-2013 at 10:09 PM.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 10:26 PM   #9
daylight
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dont waste your time with someone who misunderstands you

I was once with a guy who thought I should dress better, wear makeup, and make friends with girls (I tried, but I always had a hard time) he disaproved of the fact that I didnt have allot of female friends

Even when I tried to make changes it still felt like it wasn't good enough for him
you need to find someone who loves you for just the way you are, dont spend your energy on someone who wants you to be different, If you like yourself, then that is all that matters.
Cosplaying and gaming are a part of you, it would be a shame if those things went away
im sure there are many others who would love to be with you BECAUSE you play games and cosplay
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Unread 05-05-2013, 10:32 PM   #10
Lidaea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilafatyu View Post
From what I see, that's a completely different, equally off-putting issue.
I know, it's partially on me, but at the same time we don't have the same taste in things at all, so one of us has to suffer when we're spending our free time together. He's a very sit-and-cuddle-and-waste-the-day kind of person, i'm a very let's-do-something-semi-productive type of person. The problem is, he doesn't want me to do my things at all anymore, he just wants me to be there for him everytime he wants me.. Like what I want doesn't matter, because he works so much he's entitled to my attention all the time? Ugh..

Quote:
Originally Posted by daylight View Post
Even when I tried to make changes it still felt like it wasn't good enough for him
I feel like this everyday. :<
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Last edited by Michi : 05-06-2013 at 06:34 PM. Reason: merging a double post
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Unread 05-06-2013, 01:09 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lidaea View Post
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly a year, but in the past 2 months, we've had a lot of feuds. Most of these feuds involve the fact that he disapproves of me gaming and cosplaying. I've gamed my whole life, and cosplaying is a great passion of mine. He's trying to change both habits of mine and I hate it, hence the arguing. Is it even worth it to stay in a relationship where someone doesn't appreciate your nerd side?
Dump him, this shouldn't even be a question.

Also, from what you describe in the thread, you are dating a control freak narcissist. Gtfo while you still can and also expect him to be bothering you for a long while after the breakup, so make prep for that. You do not want to be trapped in this type of relationship. Seriously, he has you already blaming yourself for his inability to operate as a normal human being and is dependant on you for fuel for his ego.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kildread View Post
No.
On availability, you both could plan outings in advance. I mean, it's surely not like he knows he's going to be off the very morning of that specific day so you need to drop all your plans for him.
Kildread puts in even more proof. Dude knows his schedule, why does he have to modify yours? He can't plan? He just wants you on a whim? Cancel your plans and hobbys because its convienent for him? Who is he going out with, an actual person or a ball of putty he feels entitled to mold into something that fuels his need.

narcissist behaviour to the max.
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Last edited by evaunit01berser : 05-06-2013 at 01:20 AM.
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Unread 05-06-2013, 04:16 AM   #12
Tigress
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Yeah, I dated a guy like this and it was pretty miserable. He expected me to spend every waking moment with him. After awhile, that wasn't enough and he kept calling me in the middle of the night, asking me to skip class to spend more time with him, and eventually demanded I drop out of college because "we never saw each other". (BTW, this was after I skipped out on a family trip so we could spend the weekend together.)

If you are asking us if it's worth continuing your relationship, then I think you already know the answer. Unless cosplay and gaming is really interfering with your life (like holding down a job or your schoolwork), he's probably just jealous that you have something other than him that catches your interest.
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Unread 05-06-2013, 04:48 AM   #13
Kelley
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I'm all about communication in relationships.

Talk about it.

If he won't talk about it that's your problem more than anything.

If you've already talked about it and he can't be rational and thoughtful about it you just need to ask yourself if it's worth it or not.

I see a lot of couples that hardly ever talk and have fights because they don't know how to. I don't know. It's weird to me. If it was my relationship I would be writing or saying the OP to him and if there was any question that he'd get irrationally angry I'd know that's probably someone I should dump because they're not capable of an adult conversation.
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Unread 05-06-2013, 09:47 AM   #14
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The moment someone disapproves of my interests, presuming my interests are of the legal variety, and makes it their mission to change or take away what makes me happy that person is no longer of my concern.

Regardless of if that person is a family member, a romantic partner, or a friend.
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Unread 05-06-2013, 03:54 PM   #15
Lidaea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kelley View Post
I'm all about communication in relationships.

Talk about it.

If you've already talked about it and he can't be rational and thoughtful about it you just need to ask yourself if it's worth it or not.

I see a lot of couples that hardly ever talk and have fights because they don't know how to.
I agree wholeheartedly, communication is key. I find it so strange when i'm out somewhere, like a restaurant or something, and I see a couple who I observe to have not talked once in the span that they sat.
That observation is only a superficial example, of course, but it's a good sign of what their private life is probably like.
The thing is, when I have a problem and talk about it with him, he turns it on me. No matter what the circumstances are, it's always my fault and i'm always wrong. It makes it nearly impossible for me to communicate with someone who wants to hear no one but themselves.
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