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Unread 09-28-2016, 04:43 PM   #1
bronislav84
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Going to a convention, ok. New problem: Mom doesn't want me cosplaying. Please help?

I'm an adult. I'm 31 going on 32 on the 28th of October. Easy, right? Do what I want, right? No it's not that easy.

So here's the story. I have an original character for a certain show. Yes I know I've seen people be respectful of said show on these forums, but for now I choose not to reveal which show it is. I like this character a lot and partake in roleplay. I've been wanting to cosplay her since the first year going to this convention. This year will be the third. After the convention shut down last year I thought my hopes were dashed, but it started up again in another location.

Last night mom and I booked a non-refundable special cheap rate hotel offered by the convention and bought her ticket (I plan to buy a supporter ticket so I am waiting for money), all out of her pocket. She wants to chaperone me and is going just to be there for me. Nice mom, right? Well the thing is she will mostly be hanging at a rest stop at the convention and nothing else. I won't even really be seeing her except for water.

Mom is in control of my money. Like seriously in control. Money I get has to go through her from an arrangement we have. I don't feel comfortable discussing exactly how, but this is indeed the case. Like do what I say or you don't get it type deal. I need my money to attempt this cosplay and she is just forbidding me to cosplay. Refuse? Then I don't get my money. She's put herself further in control of the situation by paying for our accommodations. I'd planned to commute daily and couldn't afford it myself. The leverage she has on me effectively doubled.

How do I explain to her I really want to do this? Anyone speak Russian and can call or Skype with her to explain in words an old-fashioned 67 year old woman who was raised in the former USSR can understand? I don't think I can and everything I say is failing so far. Alternatively if anyone is local to the 5 boroughs of NYC in USA I'd love to make a new friend who would be able to do this.

Please can anyone help?
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:28 PM   #2
0palHeart
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Admittedly it is a tough situation. I mean it's one thing is she was trying to stop you from cosplaying when you have your own money to pay for the cosplaybut if you're using her money it's really a matter of explaining to her how much it means to you, why you want to and hope you get through to her. I don't speak Russian so I can't really help, sorry. But considering it is her money it makes the situation a bit trickier. And some people are more understanding and willing to put money towards it than others...
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:30 PM   #3
bronislav84
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Oh no no no, my money is mine and belongs to me. She just controls if/how/when I get it. Well not so much if. I will get it eventually, she really just decides the when and how. It's like an allowance, but it's not coming from her pocket. She is my representative payee.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:40 PM   #4
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Ah.... honestly i'm not sure I can completely help then. like i mentioned I don't speak Russian, and I don't know what your situation is but as a 24 year old who makes her own money I am in charge for budgeting that money and spending it without having to answer to anyone because I earned it.... and if I over spend then I have to deal with the consequences, but I'm in control of what I make. So I might not really be a good person to bounce ideas off of. All I can say is be honest with her? How much is means to you, why you love doing, why it's so important to you.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:43 PM   #5
bronislav84
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I swear I've tried this. Mom needs to be convinced. The leverage on me is just too strong that I cannot just say to her "I'm doing this, lay off" and expect it to work
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:50 PM   #6
0palHeart
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Woah, sorry I didn't mean any offence, no need to snap. I'm sorry if It came off that way but it wasn't intended. All i was saying is Most of the times when someone is relying on another for money for cosplay the problem is it seems like a waste of money for costumes that aren't really profiting anything. You have to go in understanding that's their mind set and just.... Explain. I mean someone here can try to explain but i'm not sure it's going to mean as much coming from a stranger anyway. Anyway, i'll go just as you clearly don't appreciate my input.

Good luck!
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:53 PM   #7
bronislav84
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I'm sorry, my tone came out weird maybe? I was just saying I have tried explaining my reasons
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:53 PM   #8
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There's little help we can offer without more info (which you really are not required to tell anyone if you don't want to, which it seems you don't). I'm left to assume this is a sort of assisted living situation? Otherwise I can't think of a situation where a parent would still be in financial control of an adult person.

Do you know what it is about cosplay she doesn't like? Does she assume it will be a skimpy outfit, or somehow make you a target of some sort. In and of itself these aren't out of the ordinary concerns for someone unfamiliar with the hobby.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 06:59 PM   #9
bronislav84
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Alright I'll spill. I have a serious case of high functioning autism (Asperger's) and I'm on SSI. My mother is my representative payee. She is the one who decides when I get the payment, if ever.

It is going to be skimpy yes, but as a crossplay there's only so much skimpy I can do before it becomes odd looking. She hasn't actually told me what concerns she has, just giving ultimatums left and right
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Unread 09-28-2016, 07:02 PM   #10
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Then it may have to come down to trying to understand what specifically it is she doesn't like about cosplay and working a strategy to counter any of her concerns. This may not be something you can achieve in a short manner of time. You may have to not go in costume this time and encourage her to come with you to meet some cosplayers and learn how they made/chose their outfits, or let her see what goes into the hobby and how much you would enjoy it.

May not be helpful if she is just completely dug in her heels against it. Good luck though.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 07:13 PM   #11
bronislav84
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Besides saying she thinks people who go to conventions in costume are crazy and she doesn't want me joining into such a thing, she hasn't actually given any other "reasons" if one can even call it that.

I might try taking her to a cosplay panel if there is one at the convention, but getting to know people who do it might be harder with a language barrier.

It would be so much easier if a person who's local to us and spoke our home language could just sit down with her and half a talk. I kinda think in English now since forever and my Russian vocabulary is much smaller, so I wouldn't be able to explain it in the right words. I already have to use Google Translate for some of the bigger/harder words.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 07:57 PM   #12
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Try asking her why she is opposed to it if you haven't asked that. She may have offered some, but they don't seem like real reasons why SHE feels that way. If you try to understand where she's coming from, you might feel better about the situation and know better how to proceed. I know autism isn't known for its deep well of empathy, so do your best to ask her exactly what her concerns are because you don't have to pick up on her emotions about it if you get them clearly and directly from her. You have opposing viewpoints but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try to understand the feelings and reasons behind them if you can.

This might be hard with the language barrier but it might be easier for her to explain her feelings to you than the other way around.
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Unread 09-28-2016, 08:11 PM   #13
bronislav84
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Hmm believe it or not I have actually tried this. Asked her to sit down and explain her reasons and how she feels about it, but so far all I get is refusal and straight up ultimatums. Do this and you can kiss your money goodbye for 6 months, as well as paying for our hotel when you do finally get it. She's bankrupting me before I even have money and knows how to push my buttons, which is the money. It's like blackmail. Can family members who love you count as blackmail?

I am looking for help convincing her that this is safe and fun, as well as people who do this aren't crazy weirdos.
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Unread 09-29-2016, 12:39 PM   #14
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If explaining with a conversation isn't working, maybe try finding something that can visually explain it to her? I get if you two don't exactly easily speak the same language articles and reviews might not work, but maybe try finding videos or photos online that show people working hard and learning skills, or helping the community with cosplay, or having fun with friends (but I'd focus on more "productive" angles first if she just thinks cosplayers are weirdos). Cosplay does help people, and there are even people with mental health issues that it helps, too, so that could be another angle to look into rather than just going back and forth about how much you want to do it but how much she doesn't want you to do it.
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Unread 09-29-2016, 03:19 PM   #15
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This is a tough situation. Do you have any friends that cosplay that could provide a testimonial to your mom that it's safe? I think if she hears an explanation from a friend, it may ease the apprehension.
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