Gender and Decency

[SakkaRosette]

After a humiliating experience being harrassed at ColossalCon, I realized that not much of the cosplay community realizes that there are rules of etiquette to observe if you want to be a decent person.

I was approached - to make a long story short - by a girl who *insisted* that I was a guy, even after my friends and I kept repeating that I was not. She even went to another one of my friends and asked if we were for real! I wasn't crossplaying - I was in my Kagome costume and I was sitting there minding my own business with the rest of my Inuyasha group.

I think I should say - in my defense - that while I might not be Lindsay Lohan gorgeous, I never thought I was all that ugly - or over-the-top masculine. I have a hormone imbalance that's kind of crippled my appearance, and while I'm trying to fix it, I never get harrassed in my everyday life. Yet, at an anime con, not only do I get people clocking me as a guy (and I hardly ever crossplay), I get people INSISTING I'm male and refusing to believe otherwise.

In an ideal world, gender wouldn't mean so much to people. But in the real world, and especially in the cosplay world, gender is everything. EVERYTHING seems to hinge on whether people can fit you into one of two binary genders, and no matter where you are on the gender gradient, people assign a socially accepted - and most of the time, outdated - set of behaviors to you.

1. It's often better if you don't ask. Use gender neutral pronouns unless you're 110% sure, and even then, be careful. Talk to them, draw them into conversation. Their behaviors and speech patterns will often reveal their gender.

2. If it's THAT important to you, ask, but do it at your own risk, and please, PLEASE, do it tactfully! I was asked, "So...guy or girl?" That was fine - it was clean, simple, and to the point.

3. If you ask and they tell you, BELIEVE THEM. No one is going to make you the end of some joke like "hah.....I told that person I'm a chick and they believed me...what a moron." Unless someone is in a totally androgynous costume, realize that asking someone's gender is, in and of itself, harrassment. (I was in a Freya costume one night and I still got accused of being a guy...not until this con did I realize that I'm apparently *that* ugly) Pressing the issue is beyond harrassment. It's humiliating, it's rude, and if the con staff is made up of decent people, it should get you thrown out.

4. Try to be sensitive. Oddly enough, the same person that asked me "guy or girl?" when I was wearing my Freya costume, felt necessary to go on to add "we were all thinking guy, but..." There's no need to say things like that. Assume that the person has already been heckled and probably already feels really self conscious about their appearance, and driving someone's insecurities into the ground does nothing but cause them anguish and make you look like a terrible person, to that person and often to their friends.

5. If you honestly can't tell and really don't want to hurt their feelings or make yourself look bad, refer to them as their character's name - or gender. That's always appropriate.

Be nice and use your common sense. No one goes to an anime convention with the hopes of going home depressed. If you make a mistake, PLEASE apologize - meaningfully. If you show compassion and kindness then it's much easier to overlook the faux pas.

[Miyabi-]

Well, considering how I was *right* there when that rude moment happened .....I can honestly say that I was floored by that girl's behavior. It was the rudest thing I'd ever seen and I've met some really rude people!

I say don't ask period! It's like going up to someone and asking if they're gay or straight. Why should it matter and why is it your business anyways?

Just refer to the person by their characters name and if you REALLY want to know their gender...ask them for their REAL name. That's often a dead giveaway.

I'd also like to point out that it's pretty rude to point and go "OMG it's a GUY!!!" before even speaking to the person. You might be mistaken and end up hurting someone's feelings and making yourself look like an ass. So just because someone might look masculine (or feminine) don't assume you're right until you actually talk to them and for god's sake don't shout it out to the world unless you've talked to them and know for sure.

You know what that old saying is about assuming right? ^_^

[cactusmomma]

You look more feminine than I do o.o

And yes, it would be VERY KIND OF PEOPLE to ask nicely. If someone asks me where's my daughter's mother one more time........... --

[Chanté]

OMG what idiot thought you looked masculine? o_O;;; You totally look like a girl to me! I'm so sorry this happened to you!!! ;__;

[MiSa0_mAkiMacHi]

That's...that's...oh gosh I can't even begin to describe that girl's behavior. I'm sorry that had to happen to you. People like that are soo...UGHH >.< Lol yeah that's the only phrase I can use to describe it. ^^ You're a beautiful girl and you don't look masculine at all! Ignore the stupidity of some helpless moron.

[Cosmos/Moon]

That's terrible, not just that she thought you were a male but that she questioned your response on top of it.

I think you just accept people and not question sometimes

[kujaeidolon]

First off - I agree with the rest of this thread - you do not look like a boy.

Secondly, in a hobby where about 40% of the people are crossplaying, it's really impolite to make a huge deal of gender. Personally, I prefer to use the "transgender" rule - that is, I refer to someone as the gender of their cosplay while they're cosplaying, if I don't know them. That way, there's no way I can offend them.

What those people did was rude and thoughtless. Next time someone comes up to you and says that, just accuse them of being a guy/girl. Maybe it's not correct, but I don't like rude people and so I'm willing to snap back and be rude to them.

[Animeisha]

That girl at Colossalcon was a total bitch Sakka, I too couldn't believe what she did. She actually was trying to touch Sakka's face and lift her neck and stuff. And when Miyabi and Sakka told her she was being very rude, the girl just stared at them...for like 15 seconds, then came over to me and asked (within earshot of Sakka and Miyabi) "are they joking?" I wanted to backhand her right there.

I later heard that someone got kicked out of the con for calling someone a 'fu**ing furry', I wish we had told the staff about that girl harassing Sakka, I would have loved to watch her ass get kicked out.

That girl did prove one thing though, that many otaku have no tact, and no manners. that girl acted like she hadn't been around people ever, she kept staring like a 4 year old. She didn't even understand how rude she had been, she just kept staring then was like "you want a hug?". We just kind of gave her a 'what the hell is wrong with you?' look and Sakka said "no, I want you to go away." Seriously though, that girl should do the world a favor and stay hidden from social interaction, she needs to be locked somewhere and never let out.

[SakkaRosette]

To everyone that's posted:

OMG...thank you, thank you, thank you! You're all *so* amazingly sweet!! All of you embody what I thought cosplay would be when I first started...you rock!!!

kujaeidolon: You know, it's funny you say that...that's exactly what I thought of doing to that girl - and some other guy that kept referring to me as "he" - I was gonna switch their genders around on them and throw it in their face. You're right, it doesn't fix things to do that, but you can at least show them how it feels.

animeisha: I'm glad you were there - that was awesome of you. Thank you again - I talked you up in my blog. ;-) But yeah, she totally does - I've honestly never seen anyone that clueless, rude, or completely stupid.

Thanks again, everyone. You're all beyond awesome!

[OoTLink]

Ahhh now I remember this, I saw your pic in the gallery and didn't they outright say you were a guy o_O... I remember thinking to myself no way.. she's too pretty to be a guy, and yeah I didn't believe it.

I'm glad it's not true! *hands a cookie* People that do things like that are such morons! They need to be beaten with a stick or something >_<

[Hitomi chan]

Well... honestly you don't look like a guy, I don't get why that girl made such a drama insisting you were a guy o_O
When I don't know the gender of a cosplayer I prefer to keep the question in my mind and I don't ask, I'm not a shy person but I'm absolutely scared of making a fool of myself I send one of my friends to find out

[Menchi]

crossplayers may vary from person to person about being addressed as the gender of the character they are cosplaying, me i don't mind being called miss, young lady, etc if i am dressed like a girl. crossdressers as far i know prefer it if in drag.

i go by the rule of keeping it generic, or what ever gender they are cosplaying if they are showing effort to look the part of the gender. i think if you try to act/look the part as that gender it atleast deserves more respect than "LOOK AT THAT DUDE DRESSED AS A CHICK" or such.

if you are a man-whatever, or some clearly a guy dressed as a girl and i know you...i prefer to address you by a nickname or your name. but this is my perference, others may ahve different opinions though.

but in the end, it shouldnt matter if you are a guy or a girl, and there isn't really a point in making a huge deal out of what a person is. cosplaying should be for fun not, trying to identify what gender a person is then deterimining if it s worth talking or what not to them. ^^;;

[Karisu-sama]

I've learned that it's often body language that causes people to make assumptions, but then some people are just freakin' clueless...

I've been "guy"-ed twice now while NOT even crossplaying - once was from someone who was looking at this photo: http://images.cosplay.com/showphoto.php?photo=229475 who asked their companion if I were male.

The other time was when I'd been in a hyper-feminine-sexy cosplay all day, and had changed out for the evening to hit the parties. I was wearing loose clothes and had put on another wig, a short one (because I had "wig hair"). Perhaps because I had been swishing around in heels and a sexy feminine dress all day, I may have let my body-language swing a bit far the other way in over-compensation... One of the women bartending mistook me for a dude. (I can't saw whether she was terribly sober or not, but *I* was certainly taken by surprise. And then I decided not to enlighten her, either. XD)

In any case, when in doubt, it's polite to ASK, politely, IF in your burning curiousity, listening for clues in the conversation around you has still left you completely stumped, and you feel you just HAVE to know. (You don't really HAVE to know, but that's another thing.) And take someone's word for it. They know better than you what their own gender is.

Originally Posted by Karisu-sama

......
I've been "guy"-ed twice now while NOT even crossplaying - once was from someone who was looking at this photo: http://images.cosplay.com/showphoto.php?photo=229475 who asked their companion if I were male.
...................

*stares at picture for awhile* hmm???

When I first got into crossplay I used to stare at pictures really hard and say to myself, "could that be? No!...maybe yes? No....err okay I'm getting confused." I've even met people IRL who I couldn't pin point for sure their sex. I guess for most people not knowing a person's sex can be uncomfortable...but I stopped caring a long time ago.

I have a theory that most people live these "comfortable" lives until they've been fooled the first time by a really good crossplayer. After that they get this paranoid feeling that ANYBODY who even remotely might be androgynous could go either way.

[avskull]

Drama play.com

Sounds like anime conventions should be etiquette schools, because every week someone is being mistreating by “un-tactful” people.

Oh wait my post was un-tactful, I better stop before I get someone emotionally damaged.