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Unread 04-23-2006, 08:51 AM   #1
Tenkage-chan
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Looking for a little contructive criticism

Moshi-moshi, minna-san.

I just wrote a skit script involving DOA characters Kasumi and Ayane, and was looking for some opinions. The thing is, I'm worried that the entire note of the skit makes it come out wrong, and will be percieved badly. I'm not all that good at doing humorous stuff, so I'd appreciate some feedback.

__________________________________________________ _________________

*Kasumi and Ayane fight their way on stage, catching each other in a hold*

Ayane:*smirking at Kasumi* Well, this is a surprise. I take it you wanted to see me, "sister dear"?* they push away from each other and face off*

Kasumi: Ayane... I know you hate me. Ever since we were children, you've hated me. Even so, I never held it against you... but, this! No matter how much you despise me, I never believed you'd go this far!

Ayane: Hunh? *Kasumi tosses a number of pictures at her, she moves a few around with her boot* Hmm... Hentai... hentai, hentai, hentai... You're rather popular with the doujinshi crowd, aren't you?

Kasumi: How could you?! Even if you hate me, this is beyond cruel!!

Ayane:Wait- you think I commissioned these??

Kasumi: If not you, then who?!

Ayane: Oh, for- did you even bother to read the contract they gave us at the Dead or Alive Tournament before signing it?

Kasumi: What does that have to do with- *Ayane pulls out a copy of the contract from behind her*

Ayane: "As a participant of the Dead or Alive Tournament, I do hereby grant DOATEC the rights to my likeness for tournament promotions and other related events. I.E.; pictures, photos, posters, hentai doujinshi, etc. Furthermore, in lieu of payment for tournament entry, I also grant DOATEC the rights to use my blood and/or DNA as they see fit." And you wondered why they made so many clones of you.

Kasumi: But... but I- But that means, you-

Ayane: Nope.

Kasumi: Huh?

Ayane: Oh, don't get me wrong. There's almost as much hentai of me out there as there is of you. However, unlike you, I never signed over the rights to my likeness or my DNA.

Kasumi: But then, why?...

Ayane: I don't care if some fanboy wants to live out some fantasy he has of me in doujinshi form- so long as I get paid the royalties, that is.

Kasumi: You... that's so evil...

Ayane: Yeah, well, sorry... I'm not sweet. *struts off stage*
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Unread 04-23-2006, 01:17 PM   #2
Miyu-chan
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It's a good idea to start, you just lost me at the end. The last thing that happens is what everyone will remember of your skit, and I felt that it kinda falls short. There is a lot of righteous indignation being built up as a result of all the hentai doujinshi, and then, they just walk away. There needs to be more punch there. Does this help?
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Unread 04-23-2006, 03:38 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miyu-chan
It's a good idea to start, you just lost me at the end. The last thing that happens is what everyone will remember of your skit, and I felt that it kinda falls short. There is a lot of righteous indignation being built up as a result of all the hentai doujinshi, and then, they just walk away. There needs to be more punch there. Does this help?
More to the ending, huh? That definitely sounds right, I'll take a look at it and see what I can come up with. Thanks a lot, Miyu-chan!
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Unread 04-23-2006, 09:10 PM   #4
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Okay, here's another skit, same characters and all, but with a much more serious tone. Actually, I like this one better, but I'm looking for a few recommendations on how to spruce it up. It takes place the night Kasumi ran away from the Mugen Tenshin village.
__________________________________________________ _________________

*Kasumi bolts across stage from far-left side, running silently and ninja-like*

Ayane: *calls from off-stage* Kasumi!!

Kasumi: *stops in her tracks and turns around as Ayane slowly walks on-stage* Ayane... You can't stop me. No matter what, I will avenge my brother!

Ayane: Stop you? You misunderstand, I've simply come to see you off.

Kasumi: Nani? *becomes defensive* What are you scheming?

Ayane: *smiles darkly* Nothing- at least, not this time.


Kasumi: Usotsuki! I know you hate me... Ever since we were children, you've hated me!

Ayane: You're right. I do hate you. In fact, I despise you... *steadily becomes angrier* Since the day I was born, I've been forced to live as your shadow... Our blood is the same- and yet I, who was born as a result of Ayame-sama's violation by that bastard, will always be percieved as your inferior. You and I are sisters, and I am the one to be treated as filth- you have no idea how much I loathe you for that!!

Kasumi: *saddened* Ayane... None of us can control how we are brought into this world, but... How this family has treated you is wrong. You are my sister, it is no matter that Raidou was your-

Ayane: URUSAI!! Do not ever refer to that man as my father!! *glares at Kasumi* Do you honestly think your sympathy can undo all the years I've spent as your shadow?!

Kasumi: ...I suppose not.

Ayane: *calms down* ...Run away, Kasumi... Run as fast and as far as you can from here, and exact your vengeance... And know that I will be following you, as I always have... And when the time comes, the justice of Mugen Tenshin shall be carried by my hands...

Kasumi: ...Wakarimashita, Ayane... I will be expecting you... Even if hatred is your motivation, it is beause of you that I can escape the Mugen Tenshin, this night... *bows to her* Arigatou gozaimashita... *turns to leave, barely glancing back* Sayonara... Ayane onee-san. *runs off*

Ayane: *a long pause, then speaks almost affectionately* ...Sayonara... Ane-ue... *walks off the opposite direction*


... So! What do you guys think?
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